Cheshire Moon Watching Over Me

Moving on

2007-09-19T10:27:00.000-05:00

I don't know if anyone really checks this site any more, but if you do, I pretty much live here now. You'll have to register to leave comments, but if you do, then I can add you as a friend to my neighborhood & you can read some of the posts I don't make public.

Long time no post

2007-06-19T06:50:00.000-05:00

I know it's been quite a while. I'm sorry I've pretty much abandoned this here blog. I just got so tired of posting the same ole stuff day after day after day. I had no desire to post any more. I also started a new blog a while back on another website. If you want the link, drop me an email & I'll send it to you.

So here's a quick update:

In January I started a new job at MD Anderson Cancer Center & it couldn't be going any better. It's been wonderful. The pay is a LOT more & my boss ADORES me. She tells me on pretty much a daily basis how fantastic she thinks I am. It's taken a while to get used to that & I'm still not really comfortable with it. Any time I make even a tiny mistake or forget to do something, I'm worried I'm going to get yelled at & she'll make my life miserable. I'm still constantly on edge & get nervous when I'm called into my boss's office. I don't want to do anything to mess things up. Never mind that she's told me several times that she wants to make sure I'm always happy here because she doesn't ever want to lose me. It's like my subconscious doesn't believe it. My last job was basically an abusive relationship & I just have to get used to being in a normal one.

My love life had a very brief jump start a month or so ago. I met a guy thru a friend & we hit it off immediately. We went out a few times & I really liked him. We have SO much in common, it's scary. However, it came to an abrupt end a few weeks ago. I came to realize he has a bad drinking problem & saw him in a way that was completely not attractive at all. I haven't called or talked to him since. Oddly enough, on that last night, I ended up hanging out w/ his best friend & I swear there were sparks there, but we didn't act on it. He's someone I'd like to get know better, but apparently as the old saying goes "he's just not that into me". Or he feels guilty cuz of his friend. Who knows? All I know is that last week he sent me a text message saying we should get together & catch up & I haven't heard from him since.

Men suck.

I'm training for another marathon - the Nike Women's marathon. You can follow my training here. And if you want to make a donation, please go here. It's been a bad few months for me in the cancer department. My coach, Emily was diagnosed with bone cancer. Three days later, my friend Evan's sister, Meredith was diagnosed with Lymphoma, & that same day, my best friend's dad was diagnosed with lung cancer. Sadly, he died on Saturday (only 3 weeks after diagnosis). Last night was the memorial service. It was rough. I hate seeing my best friend so sad. My heart was breaking for her. :(

Cancer sucks.

Shoot... sorry to end on a sad note, but I'm late for work. Gotta run!

Drinks & Closure

2007-01-07T12:39:00.000-06:00

It was good. Not in the "he realized what a fool he's been & jumped me on the spot" good, but good in that from the moment I saw him, I realized that I am finally over him. It was great to be able to just sit and talk with him like the old days and know that things are going to be just fine between us... that we will remain good GOOD friends for a long time and not have to worry about all that romantic tension any more. We can finally relax and just "be". Do you know what I mean?

What makes this revelation even more significant is the fact that the place we had drinks tonight is "our place"... the place we would go to hang out, talk, have drinks, watch football, and most importantly... it was the place where he first told me that he loved me. I left the bar feeling very good about the whole situation and felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

When we left the bar, he gave me a big hug and said "I'm here for the next month and trust me, we will do a LOT in that time." We'll see if he's a man of his word. For now I'm happy with the few hours we had that night. It was good closure. :)

*Interesting Side-Note*

Earlier that same day, he had lunch w/ our mutual friend "V". After my drinks w/ him, I called "V" to tell her how it went. She said while they were at lunch, he was asking about me... why I couldn't make it to lunch w/ them... how was I doing... etc. He then asked her if she was sure she couldn't come out w/ us after work. She told him that honestly, she didn't want to go, that she thought it would be good for us to be alone together & talk. Then she told him "Don't worry. She's over you."

I don't know why she told him that, especially when she & I had talked recently about how I wasn't sure if I would ever really get over him, but she said it to him anyway. I asked her what his response was & apparently it was "Oh." I asked if he seemed relieved or sad & she said "both". She said he seemed kinda relieved, maybe because he knows he's leaving again in a month & knows he'd never start anything with anyone because of that, but that he also seemed sad because, well, it's nice to know you're loved by someone, ya know?

Another friend thinks he still loves me & that if he wasn't going away, we'd end up together. Who knows? All I do know is that there is a part of me that will always love him, no matter what, but at the same time, I've accepted the fact that we will only ever be just great friends.

I hope he's a man of his word because I really would like to spend as much time as I can with him before he leaves. This next step in his life is HUGE & I am so incredibly proud of him. He is an amazing man & I have no doubt that he will become an even better, more amazing person for all he's about to accomplish.

The only question I have for myself right now is "what do I do now?" I spent SO long agonizing over this relationship, and now I've come to peace with everything. So what now?

Quickie

2007-01-04T17:39:00.000-06:00

"The Boy" is back in town. In fact, he got here Christmas day. I haven't seen him for 6 months. Tomorrow we are meeting for drinks after work. I'm still not sure how I feel about this.

Oh, and did I mention that he's moving to Cambodia at the end of the month? Yup... CAMBODIA!

This should be an interesting weekend.

Still here

2006-11-28T22:01:00.000-06:00

I'm still here. I just haven't had much to say these days. Well, I take that back. I have stuff to say but I got so sick of everything being so depressing.

I've been in a big depression for the last few months. Bigger than I'd like to admit. I'm slowly getting better, but I think I have a long way to go before I feel "normal" again. Part of it has had to do with my weight & my lack of being able to do any strenuous workouts. I saw a very interesting Oprah a few weeks ago with Dr. Oz & things he said really hit home. I know I need to make changes in my life so I'm starting with trying to be healthier. I've been trying this whole "You, on a Diet" thing & so far it seems to be working. I haven't completely embraced it but I have made some changes. I've been trying to eat healthier which would be easier if I actually cooked, but so far I'm doing the best I can with what I've got (or what I'm willing to do). I think maybe if I can work on the depression part, I'll want to work harder on the whole eating right thing. The biggest change I've made so far has been the amount of sugar I allow in my diet. It's amazing how much you learn when you really start reading labels. I mean, I knew I was eating stuff with sugar in it, but I had no idea just how much sugar. Holy moly!! I haven't lost a whole lot of weight, but just by cutting out most of the sugar, I have lost 3 inches from my waist in just a couple weeks. I still have a long, long way to go. None of this is easy. In fact, it's been quite a struggle. I've made slips here & there, but I've learned that it's ok. (All the food over the holidays definitely set me back) A new day begins & I start over. We'll see how long this all lasts.

In other news... the boy & I have talked a lot more lately & it's very obvious that he is extremely lonely & misses me a lot. Today I found out he's moving back to town at the end of the month. This is not good. He needs to stay away. Not just for me, but for himself as well. I need to get completely over him & after talking to him & hearing the lonliness in his voice, it's painfully obvious that I'm not. I don't know if I can handle knowing he's near by again. It's so much easier with him 2000 miles away.

*sigh*

My friends make me giggle

2006-10-13T20:36:00.000-05:00

A good friend is in NYC right now & in the last 2 hours she's called me twice because she was lost & needed me to tell her where to go, even though I gave her specific addresses & links to maps with directions. She is SUCH a dork!

This cracks me up.

*sigh*

I miss New York.

sigh

2006-10-10T21:42:00.000-05:00

I want.

Too bad I can't afford.

*sigh*

My little Chevy is dying & I can't afford to get everything that needs fixing fixed. I need a new car but again, I can't afford one.

Shit. :(

The Departed

2006-10-07T00:01:00.000-05:00

You know how in commercials for movies, the announcer will say "if you only see one movie this year, see this one" & that it's usually crap? Well, in the case of The Departed, they ain't shittin' you.

This movie is absolutely AWESOME! Martin Scorsese has completely outdone himself. He is a master. There was not one moment in this film where I was bored. I honestly haven't seen a movie this good in a long, LONG time. It made me (& the rest of the audience) gasp out loud SEVERAL times. The twists, the turns. Oh my! I can't even describe to you how good this film is. The pace, the dialogue, the editing, the story, the acting (how can you go wrong with Jack Nicholson, Leonardo DiCaprio, Matt Damon, Mark Wahlberg, Alec Baldwin, & Martin Sheen?) it's all incredible. As the credits rolled, the audience clapped. They f'ing clapped!

Do yourself a favor & go see this film. And if you happen to have an Alamo Drafthouse near you, see it there because being able to see this film & drink beer & eat awesome food at the same time makes the experience even better. (Plus, instead of the stupid commercials & games that you see in a big commercial theater, the Alamo shows old footage of Scorsese making his classic films, along with trailers of old movies. It's awesome.)

Seriously. Go. Now. You won't be sorry.

Fucking PMS!!

2006-09-29T22:36:00.000-05:00

UGH!!! I am a fat, horrid, disgusting cow. I can't even look at my body. I'm disgusted.

FUCK!!! It pisses me the FUCK off that when I finally decided to do something & work out... REALLY work out... & try to lose weight & do these marathons that THIS is what fucked me up. Where's the fucking karma people are always talking about? I was raising money for cancer for fuck's sake & this is what I get in return? A spine that's so fucked up that not only can't I work out, but I can't even bend over or walk 2 fucking blocks without pain? How is this fair?

At least when I was running, even tho I was still fat, I at least lost some weight, was in better shape & felt pretty good about myself. I guess what they say is true... working out releases endorphines that make you happier. It must be true because ever since I had to stop, I've been so f'ing depressed & my self esteem is at an all time low. I've lost practically all of my muscle tone & gained back practically every pound that I lost. I absolutely hate my body. HATE. IT!!!! I don't even want to leave the house any more, but I force myself to.

Tomorrow I'm supposed to help out with the big 21-mile practice with the TNT group & I really don't want to be there if I can't run. I feel like such a loser... me just sitting on my fat ass as my friends run past me. I feel like I don't have a right to be there. I'm no longer one of them & it sucks. IT FUCKING SUCKS!!!!

Thumbs Up Charlottesville!

2006-09-25T22:34:00.000-05:00

This past weekend I was in Charlottesville, VA visiting some friends & seeing the last 2 shows on the DMB summer tour. It was a great time. My back was bothering me the whole weekend but I tried not to let it ruin my fun. Here's a breakdown of the weekend (a lot of this was taken from a post I made on nancies, but I'm adding more detail here & there):

I got in to DC around 8:30 Thursday night, met up with another nancie (conveniently named Erin) & we drove to Cayce's place. We dropped off our luggage, went to another local gal's apt (Nicole) then headed over to Miller's. John D'Earth was playing there & the place was PACKED so we just sat at a table outside & listened &amp; drank & laughed. Nicole brought over a cute guy named Andrew from the bar & he hung out with us for the rest of the night. It wasn't until about an hour into our night with Andrew that we found out Nicole had never met him before & just drug him away from his friends at the bar to hang out w/ us. For the rest of the night, he was "Random Andrew" which turned into "Randrew". We were freezing sitting outside at Miller's (it was in the 40's & Erin & I were in flip-flops) so we went back to Nicole's & talked, laughed & drank until the wee WEEEEE hours of the morning. Randrew was there with us & as Cayce put it, we were like 4 cats with a new toy. Poor Randrew. LOL! Oh but it was SUCH fun! At some point in the evening we decided that it was too confusing having 2 Erin's so Cayce decided to call me "Pot Head" & the other Erin "Crack Head". Only "Crack Head" stuck. She even answered to it when you called her. LOL!

When I laid my head down on the couch back at Cayce's to go to sleep, the clock read 5:00 am.

We all slept in Friday, then went to Barracks to do some food & liquor shopping. We were driving thru the parkin lot when I noticed a Mini van w/ the license plate # 2STEP41 & in my head I thought that sounded familiar. I looked up to see the driver & it was TERRI!! I tried to call out to her (we were in a convertable) but she didn't hear me so I called her & told her we just passed her. It was such a random run-in. She was going back to her hotel to wait for Jen to arrive & possibly Kara & her husband. We went back to Cayce's apt where a friend from another thread (Mandy) &amp;amp;amp;amp; her hubby (Jeff) came over & hung out for a while & we laughed our asses off over SNL sketches & home movies.

Around 4:30 we headed over to the restaurant where we met up w/ Terri, Jen, Kara, Kevin, & some of Cayce's co-workers. We had a lovely time at dinner then started to walk over to the venue (the restaurant was down the street & around the corner for JPJ Arena). Cayce & Erin were getting some stuff out of the car so I started to walk over w/ Terri & Jen in order to get a head start (my back was really bothering me & I couldn't walk very fast). A little ways down the street we saw Kara standing on the side of the road. We couldn't figure out why she was there (she & Kev weren't going to the show) & when we got to her, she said that she & Kevin noticed it looked I was having pain when I was walking so they were going to drive me to the venue. It was SO sweet! Cayce & the others saw this & thought at 1st I was hitching a ride w/ a random stranger. LOL! When they dropped me off at the door, Kara said was acting like a mom dropping off her pre-teen... "have fun, dear! We'll meet you right here afterwards. Be good!" "But Moo-oooommm!! I wanna go to a party afterwards!" LOL!

The show Friday was great. The setlist wasn't spectacular, but they sure as shit played their hearts out. You could tell they were loving being back home. John D'Earth was awesome on trumpet & Joe Lawlor on Rhyme & Reason was AMAZING!!!! Best R&R I've EVER heard. And Robert Randolph on Two Step was great too. At the end, he & Carter were "dueling" & RR eventually just turned around & looked at Carter as if to say "I give up. You're the fucking BOMB, man!" Carter blew the roof off the joint. I honestly don't know how he manages to walk off stage without help because of how much energy he expels pounding the shit out of those drums. Oh & let's not forget Can't Stop. I got some great sequential photos of Dave & that mic stand. *swoons*

After the show we headed back over to Nicole's where she was hosting a party (btw... did I mention she lives in the Warehouse? Her place is SO cool! It's a super old warehouse with a big open floor plan, high exposed beam ceilings, original old wood floors, & an antique store on the 1st floor. Definitely a place I'd LOVE to live). The party was slow going at 1st, but then it picked up. I got to hang out w/ Terri & Jen for quite a while there which was great. We laughed SO much! (I apparently dazzled them with my ability to do most accents) Kara & Kev stopped in for a few minutes, too. Victoria was there as well. I hadn't seen her since the last time I was in C'ville 3 years ago & I stayed at her house.

After a few hours, my back was really bothering me (it was hurting thru the whole show which sucked. I actually had to sit down quite a bit during it) & I started getting a bad headache & it was SO noisy at the party so we headed home a little "early" (I was in bed by 4:00 am that night instead of 5:00.) Cayce, Erin & Victoria were quite hammered so I had to drive the drunkards home. Let me tell you, it's QUITE an experience driving 3 completely hammered people home. Vic could barely remember where her house was. LOL!

Saturday we slept in again, then Cayce drove Erin & I around C'ville to show us the sights. We walked thru the downtown mall, wrote on the Freedom Wall, I bought some super cool jewelry from the same girl I bought my favorite necklace from 3 years ago (& she remembered me!) then we went to the Corner (shops & restaurants on the corner of UVA) for lunch. After lunch we passed by the frat houses & there were a bunch of guys playing lacrosse. Suddenly we see 2 naked guys running down the field. Thankfully Cayce was quick with her camera & shot this photo:

And she was DRIVING at the time!! Awesome.

After UVA, we went to Vic's house to hang out for a bit, then headed over to the venue where we ran into some of the So-Cal nancie peeps so we did some quick tailgating. It was lots of fun & I was very happy.

Inside the venue I finally got to see Leslie & meet her new hubbyTim. We got to talk for a few minutes & she showed me the latest pic of their baby Christopher who is SO. F'ING. CUTE!!! (hell, all her kids are cute!) I was so glad we at least got to see each other. We found out that she & Tim were 2 rows in front of Cayce & I the night before but we never saw each other. How weird is that?

The show Sat was great. I was SOOO happy to get Seek Up. Cayce put it best when she said it was like being in church with a choir of 20,000 people. Everyone was singing & it was so moving. I'd only heard Shotgun once before & that was only cuz I dl'd it but seeing it live was AWESOME. It's so beautiful. I could've done without IIHIA, Dream girl, & the repeat of Hunger, but the rest I thought was great. RR on Smooth Rider & LA Bayou were fantastic (particularly LA Bayou. RR is a phenominal showman). Butterfly was beautiful & I always LOVE AB intro. Towards the end of ABI, a creepy guy in a trench coat came on stage & was standing between Carter's drum stand & Stefan's amps. He started to walk towards Dave when the huge body guard, Daryl came around from the other side of Stefan's amps & picked the guy up & dragged him off the stage. It was VERY creepy & obviously upset the band because they cut the show short by one song & went right into Stay. Stay was ok, but it was short & def. didn't have it's normal energy. I think they just REALLY wanted to get the hell off that stage.

After the show, Cayce, Erin & I were pretty tired from the long weekend of partying so we grabbed some pizzas at Dominos & went back to Cayce's for a little slumber party & watched "Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle" (SUCH a funny movie). I was asleep by 3:00 am. (progress, eh?)

Sunday we slept in again, showered, packed then went to go have a late breakfast at a local greasy spoon called The Tavern. It was there that we got into a fender bender. We had just pulled into the parking lot & saw a space to the left that was right in front of the door & started to pull in when a guy in a Volvo started backing out of a space on the right. I saw him & yelled "Car! Car! Stop! Stop!" Cayce stopped but the guy didn't & he hit her front quarter panel & dented the front by the tire. He was pretty sketchy so we decided to call the police to file a report.

While waiting for the police to arrive, a line started to form outside the door to the diner (it's a very popular place). Two couples walked up & one of the men asked me if they were taking names or if we just had to wait in line. I told him we hadn't made our way in yet, so I didn't know. It was then that we noticed the woman he was with... Sissy Spacek (she lives in C'ville). She was in old jeans & a blue shirt, hair pulled up in a big clip, no make-up on. She was just a regular gal chatting away with her friends. We kinda wanted to take her picture, but we didn't want to be "those people" so we let them be. Eventually the police arrived, took the statements & insurance info, then we we had our breakfast (btw... we were seated 2 booths behind Sissy).

After a quick breakfast, Erin & I headed back to DC to make our flights home. Dulles airport SUCKS ASS & was a total cluster fuck at Continental & I almost missed my flight. Thankfully I was in line next to a very take charge guy & his wife & he got the 3 of us to the front of the line to drop off our bags & we were on our way thru security & to the gate. If it hadn't been for him, I'd probably still be in that line at the Contiental counter.

So other than the creepy guy on stage ruining the end of the Sat. show, the car accident & my back, it was a great weekend. I had SO much fun with Erin & Cayce. It's great to be able to be a complete & total dork w/ people & have them be just as big a dork as you. It was awesome. No pressure, no awkwardness, just total comfort. Hopefully Cayce is right & this will just be the "First Annual Thumbs-Up Charlottesville Tour". :)

Ok Go

2006-09-16T19:24:00.000-05:00

Thanks to The Colbert Report, I have found a great new band: ok go

Not only do they play great music, but they have the most awesome videos:

I downloaded their albums off iTunes today & so far I am LOVING it. Go ahead... give them a try. :)

Stupid

2006-09-12T22:51:00.000-05:00

I just HAD to check my email one last time tonight, didn't I?

And of course, he just HAD to email me tonight.

Now I'm NEVER going to get to sleep.

stupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupid!!

*sigh*

In search of...

2006-09-12T21:52:00.000-05:00

I haven't really slept since Friday night so you'd think I'd be tired right now, but I'm not. My mind is racing & no matter what I do, I can't seem to calm my breathing. I don't know if it's the medication I'm on or if it's just anxiety about everything, or both. I do know that's is effecting my life & my work. I get dicombobulated, can't remember simple tasks, my motor functions aren't what they used to be, & I can barely complete a simple thought.

I need sleep.

Sleep & another tattoo. (ha!)

Absence makes the heart grow fonder

2006-09-12T20:04:00.000-05:00

I talked to the boy today (no, not that boy... THE boy).

Today is his birthday.

Fuck. I miss him.

A lot.

Further proof that men suck

2006-09-11T21:11:00.000-05:00

CF boy called this afternoon & I was actually around to answer it. There were no sparks whatsoever. In fact, I thought he was a bit of an ass. He asked how old I was (we're the same age, he's divorced w/ 2 kids) & asked if I've ever been married/had kids & when I said no, never, he asked "why not?". I said I just hadn't found the right guy, to which he responded "what? do you have incredibly high, impossible standards or something?" & then he asked if I actually like guys.

WTF???

He also said that normally he likes to see the whole package before he makes contact with a girl, but he didn't get a chance to see my "whole package" at the restaurant (cuz I was sitting in a booth I guess) but he could at least tell I was cute so that's why he called me. From the way he described himself, he's a total player. I just told him that I had to get to a meeting & ended the call.

UGH!

Men suck.

Update from the Cheesecake Factory

2006-09-10T21:06:00.000-05:00

He called me back late Saturday afternoon, but I missed the call. I was so into my painting that I pretty much blocked out the entire world. I didn't even get his message until this morning. I called him back but again, he didn't answer so I left another message.

My friend who wrote my # on the receipt asked me today "isn't this fun?" I said "NO! This whole thing just makes me nauseous!" She couldn't understand why I felt that way. I said it was easy for her because she's already happily married, but she claims that she always got such a kick out of it, the whole process, even before she was married. I guess it goes to show how different we are. For me it just makes me sick.

I hate dating.

(And I don't even have a date yet!)

Reclaiming creativity

2006-09-10T12:54:00.000-05:00

My friend, Lori works at an upscale baby store here in Houston. A little while back she asked me if I'd like to earn a little extra cash doing some hand painting on a few lunch boxes. All they needed me to do was paint the names of the kids on the boxes. Nothing creative, but it was a few extra bucks in my pocket.

Then about a week or 2 ago, she asked me if I'd be interested in painting a high chair, nothing too fancy. Of course I said yes. I've been itching to do some sort of project & here I was being offered money to do one. The lady didn't want anything too "girly" in case she had a little boy later in life, so she asked for just some leaves, butterflies, & cute bugs. I came up w/ a simple design & she seemed to like the idea & said "go for it". So I did.

Click here to see pics of the final product. I forgot to take "before" pics, but he chair was already painted the color that it is, so really, the only thing I added was the stuff you see in the pics. The client hasn't seen it yet & I'm nervous as hell. It's not the best thing I've ever done, but not too bad for someone who hasn't painted anything in the past few years. I hope she likes it.

Lori told me that her boss wants me to submit some samples of other stuff I can do... different designs & lettering... & that they may ask me to things for them on a more regular basis. As she said "you may be VERY busy around Christmas season!"

Who knows if anything will really come of this, but I do know that it felt great to have a paint brush back in my hand. I went all night long last night & it felt like no time at all. I missed nights like that & I really hope I have the opportunity to do it again.

*EDIT*

Lori just came to pick up the chair. She LOVED it. She was SO excited when she saw it & said her customer is going to flip out when she sees it. I hope she's right. But still, it was great to see Lori's reaction. :)

*EDIT #2*

The client LOVED it! However, Lori forgot that she wanted a bumble bee on the chair, so at some point this week, I'll go over to the client's house & quickly paint a bumble bee. What's funny was at the last minute, I almost painted a bumble bee, but was too tired.

Why don't we have arranged marriages any more?

2006-09-08T21:54:00.000-05:00

Tonight was the most nerve wracking night I've had in a LONG time.

This afternoon I went to the Cheesecake Factory for lunch with 2 of my co-workers. We had a fabulous time. The food was delicious & there were lots & LOTS of laughs. (We drew looks from some of the other patrons because we were laughing so loud.) We were being our normal, silly selves.

We had a very attentive, not to mention cute, waiter named Gabriel who had a Cajun accent. He seemed to get a kick out of us. When it came time to pay the bill, one of my co-workers mentioned that she thought he was cute & that I should ask him for his number. Of course I said "NO!" because that's just not the sort of thing I do. I SUCK at talking to guys. So my friend decided she was going to write my phone # down on the credit card receipt. I tried my best to stop her (I even accidentally caused her to hit her head on the marble backing of our booth) but my other co-worker grabbed the receipt away from her & out of my reach. She finished writing my number down & also wrote "the girl with the purple hair". They then whisked me away so I couldn't scratch out the number. I quickly told them "you know, if I get any calls from numbers I don't recognize, I'm not answering them!"

Of course I figured he'd never call.

After 10 minutes of searching for my friend's car in the massive parking garage, we finally made it back to the office (about 3 hours after we left it). 10 minutes later my phone rang. I didn't recognize the number so I didn't answer. As soon as I saw my message light come on the phone, I called into my voice mail to see who called.

I'll be damned if it wasn't Gabriel.

He left me his number & asked me to call him.

Shit.

Did I mention that I suck at talking to guys?

After dialing up his number about a dozen times, I still couldn't get myself to hit "send" & actually make the call, so I called the girl that wrote down my number in the first place. She gave me a great pep talk & I finally got up the courage to call him back.

He didn't answer.

*whew!* (LOL!)

I left him a message. We'll see if he calls back.

How the hell do people do this stuff every day? Can't I just have an arranged marriage? That would be so much easier than this shit.

Good Eeee-ven-ing

2006-08-29T20:53:00.000-05:00

This is what I saw flying over an intersection just off Highway 59. There were tens, if not hundreds of thousands of birds flying overhead. Click on the pictures to see them larger & in more detail. Every single black dot you see is a bird. There are so many you can't even see all of them. Take what you can see in the foreground & multiply that by at least 3 or 4 because there were layers of these birds, one higher than the next. What made this even more strange was the fact that this was the only place where the birds were flying. They were flying in mad circles & from one end of the intersection to the other. It was CRAZY!! I didn't stick around too long because my car was being bombarded with poop (oddly enough, they missed me & my camera).

Talk about living in a Hitchcock movie. Alfred would've been proud.

(Btw... this is my favorite shot, just cuz it's so blurry. It gives a good representation of what it felt like to be in the middle of everything.)

Success!!

2006-08-29T17:53:00.000-05:00

It took almost 3 weeks, but today my landlord finally agreed to keep my rent the same. He said he looked at my history with them & because I've been such a good resident, he will not increase my rent.

Damn right you aren't!

So yeah, I'm happy. I really didn't want to pay more money & I REALLY didn't want to have to move. Yippee!!

He also informed me that he is in talks with the owners about doing something with the parking area to help protect our cars. He wouldn't say exactly what that meant, but really, the only solution is to put up remote controlled security gates. Here's hoping it comes to fruition. *crosses fingers*

YAWN!

2006-08-23T06:17:00.000-05:00

Going back to work sucks. I miss sleeping in & then sleeping all day.

First day back to work Monday was hell on my back. I was in SO much pain by the time I got home. Went to the chiro after work & that helped a little. Yesterday wasn't as painful, but still... painful. I went to the gym & walked in the pool for 30 mins & when I got home I was exhausted. I figured I'd sleep so good, but in fact, I slept like total shit last night. I doubt I even got 3 hours of total sleep. Not good. We'll see how today goes. I'm just starting to feel like I'm never going to get better. It's been almost a month for fuck's sake!

Unexpected Benefit

2006-08-16T20:15:00.000-05:00

Apparently there is an unexpected benefit to all this crap that happened in England with the foiled terrorist plot to blow up planes headed to the United States which instantly & drastically changed the security measures at all airports & that has caused many people to re-think their travel plans for the summer...

SUPER cheap airfares!

About 2-3 weeks ago when I checked the price of airfare from Houston to Washington, DC for my trip to Charlottesville, I was SO worried that the $230 (plus tax) roundtrip non-stop fare I found on Continental would be gone by the time I actually had money (ie: payday today) & that I wouldn't be able to afford to go on this trip. Today I purchased my airline ticket. Total cost?

$162.10

AND THAT INCLUDES TAXES!!

I also get an extra 1000 OnePass miles if I check in online each way. Awesome.

For all that I certainly won't mind placing all my liquids in my checked luggage & longer waits at security.

Now all I have to do is keep up with my physical therapy & get my back in tip top shape cuz dammit, this girl plans on having a f'ing BLAST on this trip. :)

It's official

2006-08-15T21:16:00.000-05:00

No ACL for me this year. I just can't do it. So today I sold my 3 day pass. I'm not too bummed about it. I really wasn't looking forward to 3 days of unimaginable heat surrounded by 80,000 people. As much as I'd like to see some of the bands that are playing, knowing that certain bands dropped out (mainly Damien Rice) & that I can see others right here in Houston in small, intimate air-conditioned clubs made the decision easier. Plus, it's not like all that walking & standing & sitting would be any good for my back. Plus, I REALLY need the extra money & this way I now have the money to help pay for my airfare to Charlottesville & that is one trip that I absolutely REFUSE to miss. Back problems or no back problems! I'm also feeling the same way about the DMB show this Friday. I can't not go. I have 5th row tickets for fuck's sake!!!

That's why I'm making sure I do everything that my doctor tells me. I went to the gym today & did 20 minutes of pool walking. The 1st 2 laps hurt a lot, but then my legs & back seemed to loosen up so the rest felt quite easy. I actually felt like I could go longer, but I remembered what my doctor told me... "baby steps!" I'm glad I didn't do any more because right now I am SUPER sore. What's weird is that it's not my back that's sore, but my hips & outer thighs. It kinda feels like my hips are out of their sockets. Hopefully the chiro can fix that tomorrow when I go back to see her.

After this "workout" I've decided to obey doctor's orders & not go to work at all this week. I'm still checking my emails about once a day, but that's all I'm going to do. It's just not worth it to risk undoing any of the good that's been done (& will be done) this week by sitting at a desk all day. I can actually sit for longer periods now, but I notice that my hips & upper buttock area are more sore when I get up & it's a little difficult to walk. And that's with sitting on a super soft couch. I haven't attempted actual chairs yet. Hopefully by Monday it won't be that bad.

This still all suck big fat hairy sweaty unwashed donkey balls, but I'm trying to not let it get me down. Who'd have thought that I would actually miss working out? Crazy, ain't it?

In other news, I finally got ahold of someone at the property management company that runs my apt. complex & voiced my concerns & grievances regarding my rent increase. The lady there asked me to email everything to her & she would forward it to my new landlord. She couldn't promise anything, but at least I tried, right? She said I should have an answer within the week. *crosses fingers*

Cabin Fever

2006-08-13T22:08:00.000-05:00

I've been couped up in this apartment for 3 days now but it feels like it's been 3 weeks. I'M GOING CRAZY!!!!

It's funny how we take such simple things for granted. Like being able to laugh, clear your throat, or even shave your legs without your back spasming.

This blows.

MRI results:

2006-08-12T12:28:00.000-05:00

With the help of a good friend, I was able to get my MRI results:

There is mild superior endplate deformity at L2 and L3 vertebra without evidence of retropulsion or associated soft tissue paraspinal masses. The alignment is well maintained. There is evidence of disc desiccation at multiple levels particularly at L2-3 and L3-4 and to a lesser extent to L4-5.

L2-3: there is broad-based disc bulging with a small left paracentral disc protrusion causing mild ventral indentation to the thecal sac and compressing the thecal sac and associated facet joint hypertrophy as well as ligaentum flavum causing mild central canal stenosis. This small disc protrusion is compressing the exiting nerve root at left L3 on the lateral recess.

L3-4: there is a small central herniated disc causing impingement of the ventral thecal sac. The exiting nerve roots ar patent. There is mild facet joint hypertrophy bilaterally.

L4-5: there is a small central herniated disc with an annular tear causing indentation to the thecal sac and no obvious compression to the exiting nerve roots.

So yeah... not horrible, but definitely not good either. L2 & L3 are the vertebra that I broke when I was 14 so now that's all coming back to literally bite me in the ass. It looks like eventually I will need surgery to cut away the parts of the discs that are protruding & pressing on the nerves but for now, I'm going to try the chiropracter first, along with anti-inflammatories & exercise/stretching. Thanks to my mom, I have a full bottle of Vicodin for the pain. I'm getting around better today & I can actually take a deep breath without screaming out in pain, so that's something. However, when I walk, I can't lift my left leg up very much because of the pain. Also, part of the left leg & toes are numb, all thanks to the discs pushing on the sciatic nerve.

This isn't something that's going to go away any time soon, so it looks like I'm going to have to drop out of Disney Marathon, and any other races for that matter. For now I need to concentrate on getting stronger & as pain free as possible. I'm not going to write off marathons for good, though. My friend Rusty had back surgery & can no longer run. However, that didn't stop him from walking. He can now WALK a marathon in under 5 hours. He is my new inspiration. I may be down right now, but don't count me out.

Side Note: The friend that helped me get the MRI results also came over last night to walk my dog & get me some food, then she came back again this morning to do the same, & will be back later on tonight to check in on me. This is the same woman that I helped when her appendix burst. A bit serendipidous, don't you think? :)

Photo of the Day

2006-08-09T18:22:00.000-05:00

For the third time, one of my photos was chosen as Houstonist's Flickr Group Photo of the Day. That's the street marker in front of my apt. If you look closely at the pic, you'll see my bedroom windows (1st group of windows on the right.) What's funny is that I was sure this photo would be the one chosen. I guess cuz I feel that one is more "artsy". Oh well. I'm still happy at least one of them was chosen. And as with my first POTD, they linked to another one of my photos in the post. Makes me smile. :) (btw... this was my 2nd POTD.)

It was nice to have something to smile about. This week (actually the past few weeks) have been so hectic at work. Then there's all the shit going on with my back. I'm still in a lot of pain. Yesterday I had an MRI & was told that the results would be available in a day or 2. However, when I called to make the appt. to go over the results w/ my doctor, I was told that he was on paternity leave & wouldn't be available until August 31!

Excuse me???

The chick on the phone said that only the referring doctor could go over the results with me, but after a few minutes of hearing me bitch, she finally said I could see the other doctor in the practice. Unfortunately that dr. can't see me until the 24th. That's still 2-1/2 weeks away! So today I called the Imaging place & asked them to give the MRI stuff to me. They said they couldn't give them to me for 15 business days but if I made an appt. with a different dr. then he/she could call them & they'd give them to him/her. So tomorrow I'm going to see if I can find another orthopedist that can see me in the next day or 2 so I can finally get some answers. I am in way too much pain to wait 2 fucking weeks.

Speaking of pain... sitting here at the computer is hurting like a sonofabitch so I'm gonna go lie down.

In a nutshell:

2006-08-07T19:38:00.000-05:00

Work: super busy.

Bank account: practically empty.

Health: a pain in my ass... literally. Haven't been able to work out in over 2 weeks. Having an MRI of my lower spine in the morning. I'm nervous.

Social life: slow, but still having some fun here & there. DMB at Woodlands in less than 2 weeks (WOO!) Things will definitely pick up in September. (C'ville BABY!)

Love life: still non-existant.

Quickies

2006-07-31T17:19:00.000-05:00

My back went out on me again Saturday afternoon, so I've spent pretty much every waking & non-waking moment since then laying on the couch, flat on my back with pillows under my knees & pumping myself full of Vicodin & Cyclobenzaprine. God bless drugs!

The pain is still pretty bad so I stayed home from work today. If it's not any better by tomorrow I'll stay home again & make another appt. with the ortho & possibly schedule an MRI. (I have a feeling that will end up costing me a pretty penny so I keep avoiding it.)

In other more interesting news, the boy called me last me night. Our mutual friend told me she had talked to him earlier this weekend & he told her that he needed to call me so I knew it was likely coming. (I kinda wish I'd never known he'd said that because then it would've been a true surprise.) We talked for about 30 minutes. It was nice, but weird at the same time because I know he read my letter & I know he knows I'm in love him. Of course none of that was ever mentioned during our conversation. It was basically all about what's been going on in our lives since he left. When we were saying our good-byes, he said he'd call me again soon. We'll see.

I'm glad I stuck to my guns & didn't contact him at all after he left. It was really hard for me to do that. However, I was almost always the one that initiated everything between us & I was just sick of it. I figured if he REALLY missed me & REALLY wanted to talk to me, then he would have to make that move himself & call or email me. And he did. And that makes me happy. We'll see if he continues to make the moves.

Food!

2006-07-30T14:24:00.000-05:00

The Travel Channel is killing me. First they did a whole hour on the best pizza joints in the US, & now they're on to doughnuts.

[homer] Mmmmmm... doooouuuggghhhnuuuuuuttssss. *drools* [/homer]

This is SO not going to help my diet.

Hit & Run

2006-07-29T08:24:00.000-05:00

Last night I was taking Moe out for his last walk around the block. I got across the street & stopped for a minute so Moe could pee in the bushes on the side of the road. I heard a car, so I turned around to see where it was coming from & saw a car pull out from the back parking lot of my building & turn right (away from where I was). That was the ONLY car I saw. All other cars were just parked on the side of the road. I turned around, walked about 15 feet, stopped for Moe to pee again & heard a noise right behind me. Before I could even turn to see what it was, an old car WITH NO LIGHTS ON blew right past me. I was on the right side of the road, literally standing millimeters away from the curb & if I had been standing an inch to the left, that car would have hit me. As it passed me, someone in the car yelled out "BITCH!!!"

What.

the.

FUCK?????

I swear I think they were TRYING to hit me!!!!! WTF were they doing driving practically up on the curb WITH NO LIGHTS ON???? I don't even know where the hell the car came from. The only thing I can think of is maybe it was one of the ones I saw parked on the side of the road. Maybe my being there foiled their plan to do something bad (we've had a rash of vandalism & burglary here lately, including a neighbor's car that was stolen just last week). Who the fuck knows?

Do I call the police? I couldn't even tell you what kind of car it was other than "old". It was so dark I couldn't see any details at all about the car. No make, no model, no color, no license plate, no nothing. So it's not like the cops could do anything. But still.

Ugh! People piss me off!!!!

GRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!

2006-07-28T17:59:00.000-05:00

I came home today to find a letter in my mailbox from the landlord saying they are going to raise my rent. Fuckers! Apparently there is a new landlord. And apparently this landlord has never even taken a look at this place or else he/she would know that what they really SHOULD be doing is LOWER my rent. Fuckers. They don't even have the right information. They say my lease ends Aug. 31, but my copy of the lease says Sept. 30. Fuckers.

But don't you worry, this isn't over. Oh no. I have not even BEGUN to fight! I have several things on my side...

* The bathroom ceiling is STILL leaking despite many, many calls to maintanance & promises that "oh yes, it's fixed!" (It's been leaking for 3 years now)
* The kitchen floor that is completely peeling up.
* I have no heat in the apt.
* My car has been broken into or vandalized FOUR times while parked on the property.
* A neighbor's car was STOLEN from the parking lot last week.
* There is MASSIVE construction of five 4-story townhomes going on 6 days a week directly outside my bedroom window that will not stop for AT LEAST a year (possibly 2)
* At least 2 of my neighbors in this building w/ 2BR apts exactly like mine are paying $30/month LESS than I am right now.

I'm sure there's more, but that's what immediately comes to mind.

If they don't agree to keep my rent what it is, then I will demand that they most definitely fix the leak in the bathroom ceiling, replace the kitchen floor, replace the fridge with a new, energy efficient one (the current one makes the most horrendous noise when it shuts off its cooling cycle), & replace my living room A/C window unit with a new, more energy efficient unit WITH A HEATER!!

This was not a happy way to end a really crappy week.

GRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!

More truth in advertising...

2006-07-25T17:50:00.000-05:00

Stride gum really is rediculously long lasting gum. When I 1st heard of it, I figured it was a crock, but the other day when I was in need of refreshing my breath, I bought a pack & I'll be damned if that gum didn't last a friggin' LOOOOOONG time. So long that I actually got sick of it & had to spit it out.

You see, I'm used to chewing Dentyne or Trident & those gums lose their flavor after a while & get all hard after about 15-30 minutes of chewing. Stride, however, lasts for hours & hours & hours. And even better, it stays super soft the whole time, too! So do yourself a favor & pick up a pack on your next trip to the store.

Gee, you'd think I had stake in Stride's stock, wouldn't ya? LOL!

While perusing Stride's website, I came across Matt.

Matt quit his job to dance around the world. Stride gum found out about him & asked him to do it again... on Stride's dime.

Do yourself a favor & watch Matt's video. It's awesome.

I love Matt.

I want to be Matt.

Maybe I should chew more gum.

Magic!

2006-07-24T22:36:00.000-05:00

Can someone please explain to me just how in the HELL the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser works? I have scrubbed & sprayed countless spaghetti sauce, wine, Gatorade, & even purple hair dye stains on my kitchen counter to no avail. But one try with this Magic Eraser & VOILA! It's all gone!!!

How is this possible???

There really must be only one explanation... it really IS magic!

David Blaine... a hack & a complete tool.

Mr. Clean... a friggin' GENIUS!!

Somebody stop me

2006-07-18T20:59:00.000-05:00

I really, really, REALLY want to call the boy.

I miss him. :(

Quick weekend re-cap

2006-07-18T07:06:00.000-05:00

This past weekend was lovely. I went to New Braunfels with a few friends & we went tubing down the Comal River. It was about a billion degrees outside & that cool river felt fabulous (once we got on it. We had to wait in line for almost an hour to get our tubes). It seemed as though everyone from Houston to Austin to San Antonio had the same idea as us because there were thousands of people on that river. It was CRAZY! But it made for the BEST people watching. We said we had never seen so many different tattoos & BAD bathing suit choices in our lives. (Seriously people, just because they make string bikinis in big sizes does NOT mean it looks good on you. Oy vey!) We also saw at least 7 arrests... 2 involving a NB police officer diving into the river to pull the guys out of the water. We never did find out why all these people were arrested. If it was just because they were drunk on the river, well hell, then we ALL should've been arrested!

After tubing we all went to dinner. We were supposed to spend the rest of the weekend in Austin but we were so tired that we decided that since all we'd really be doing in Austin was sleeping, then waking up to drive home, that we would just drive home that night & sleep in our own beds. However, since I drove with Evan & Lori, I ended up spending the night at their house instead. It was just too late & I was too tired to drive the 10 miles back to my place.

Oddly enough, I slept great even though I wasn't in my bed. We went to breakfast, then back to their place to nap. It was a great way to spend a Sunday. I finally got home around 2:30, showered, then drove out to my parents' house. My brother, Pete & his son, Ryan were in town to take my dad deep sea fishing & they'd just gotten home so I got to spend the rest of the day hanging out with them. It was really nice. I can't get over how grown up my nephew is. He's almost 13 & is the sweetest, nicest boy you'd ever meet. And man oh MAN is he a looker! That boy is going to be a total heartbreaker. Damn.

The only bad news of the weekend was when we found out from Pete that has skin cancer. Apparently he'd had a bump on the back of his neck that kept changing size & would get scaley & peel. His wife finally made him go to the doctor to have it checked out & they diagnosed him with Squamous cell carcinoma, which is not the worst, but not the best form of skin cancer. If not treated immediately it can spread to his lymph nodes. He's supposed to have the tumor removed some time this week. Hopefully it isn't too deep into the muscle tissue & hasn't spread. *crosses fingers*

This all makes me really worry about myself. Pete is only 40 & already has cancer. I've had way too many bad sunburns & am just waiting for little tumors to start sprouting up. So my advice to any of you out there... sunscreen, sunscreen, SUNSCREEN!!!!

Tickled purple

2006-07-12T23:12:00.000-05:00

For the past 6 weeks or so I've had purple hair & I absolutely love it. But what's so weird to me is the amount of compliments I get now. Not a day goes by without at least 3 or 4 people telling me how great I look. And I'm not talking about people that I know. I'm talking about total strangers. At work, in the grocery store, in Target, & once even when I was running down the sidewalk along Memorial Drive on my Saturday morning training run. Hell, one day while I was waiting for the train after work, a guy driving by in his car rolled down his window & yelled "I love your hair! You look fabulous!"

I must admit that it feels really good to be complimented so much, but at the same time, it's really thrown me for a loop. It's definitely not something I'm used to & I'm never sure how to respond, especially when these people want to stop to talk to me. I'm not used to getting so much attention, but I'll admit it's definitely helping me with my self-confidence (something I've been needing lately). So I'm going to keep the purple indefinitely. And who knows? Maybe next time I'll go blue! :)

Foose me baby!

2006-07-11T22:42:00.000-05:00

TLC is sucking me in.

I really, really, REALLY want my car Overhauled.

I know my '99 Chevy Cavalier isn't exactly a classic car, but good golly it certainly needs work. There's scratches & dents on all 4 sides from various car accidents & vengeful metal carport posts, the faded paint on the top, & the 1 steel wheel to 3 expensive rims (because I couldn't afford to buy a replacement rim to replace the one that stolen). Then of course there's the "beautiful" hot pink smiley face that someone decided just HAD to be put on the driver's side door (while it was parked in the carport of my apt. complex while I slept). I'm actually quite nervous about getting it inspected this month. I still haven't replaced the broken side mirror (again, which was ruthlessly smashed while parked in the carport of my apt. complex while I slept). THEN, just the other day, while I was at the drive-thru ATM my driver's side window decided that was the perfect time to not go up.

Did I mention that Mother Nature decided at that very moment to make it rain again?

I was frantically trying to get that damn window up as the clouds let loose the rain & the thunder rolled. It took me a few minutes but I finally got it up. So now that makes 2 windows that no longer work (the passenger side window broke about 2 years ago). The back windows seem to still work, but I'm not going to chance it. I really think it's the motor. That'll teach me to get automatic windows. Next time I'm getting the old fashioned do-it-yourself with the handle windows.

*sigh*

Actually, I'd really love to just chuck my current car & get something like the 1956 Chevy Nomad they just Overhauled. (scoll down on the thumbnails to see the final product.) Good GOD that car is gorgeous!!! I am such a sucker for an old automobile. My real dream car is something like that.

Some day... some day...

Delicate

2006-07-10T22:36:00.000-05:00

Last night I went to see Damien Rice & Fiona Apple at the Woodland's Pavilion. I must admit that it was very strange to see a show at the Pavilion with so few people in the crowd. They didn't sell any tickets for lawn so it was completely empty (a strange sight indeed). There was only about 15 people in the uncovered reserved section & the covered reserved had several empty rows. The whole pavilion holds about 16,000 but I doubt there was even 2000 people there last night. They should've just played a place like the Warehouse. & saved me the drive out to the Woodlands as well as a few bucks on the ticket.

Anyhoo... on with the show.

I've been wanting to see Damien for a few years now. I'd missed him at a tiny club here in Houston about 3 years ago, then again at ACL, so I wasn't about to pass up this opportunity this time. I was lucky enough to score a 2nd row ticket behind the pit so I had a great view of Mr. Rice. He was as good as I knew he would be & left me wanting more, more, more. I was really sad he was only the opener & only played an hour, but it was one really good hour. It was worth it just to see him play my favorite song, Delicate. The only things that would've made his set better was #1: if Lisa was there to sing along w/ him, & #2: if it was a private showing for my eyes & ears only.

I just can't explain what this man does to me. It's not just the words, but it's the music. There is something about hearing that cello come into a song that makes me feel it all so much more. It's like the gut of the emotions of the song come through so much stronger through that cello & some times just makes me want to weep. It's simply beautiful.

After the beauty that was Mr. Rice, it was quite a switch to see Fiona Apple. Talk about polar opposites. First off, she looked anorexic... extremely thin, sunken cheeks & eyes, so pale she was almost translucent. It didn't help that the super long dress she was wearing (which looked like something my grandmother wore in the 40's) was way too big & practically swallowed her up. Second, I swear she was either completely drugged out of her mind, or else she is possessed. Or maybe she was both. She was having intense screaming fights with some imaginary person in between practically every single lyric of every single song. She was kicking & punching the air, pulling at her dress as if she was going to rip it off, & making the MOST unattractive angry faces. People in the audience kept looking around at each other during her whole set as if to say "is she serious with this stuff? Do we need to call an exorcist?" Fiona. I BEG of you. Seek help. It's not healthy for such a pretty young girl to be SO incredibly angry. Yes, I understand that he cheated on you, but good GOD woman, GET OVER IT!!!! (Oh, and ummm... while you're at it, have a sandwich or 20 will ya? Jeeeeebus!)

Other times, during the musical "jams" when she wasn't singing, she would hide on the floor under or behind her piano. In fact, she seemed to enjoy getting on the ground & did almost one entire song on the floor. It made it a bit difficult to watch her because the f'ing security at the Woodlands wouldn't let anyone in the seats stand up. (That pissed me off a bit because there were no chairs in the pit, so all those folks had to stand & since I was right behind them & not allowed to stand, I could never see her when she played the piano.) In all, it was a decent show by Ms. Apple. It was a nice mix of the old & the new. Not sure if I'll ever go see her again, but I'm glad to say I've at least seen her once.

Now Damien... oh Damien. I could watch you play every single day of my life. Please please PLEASE come back to Houston soon. Or Austin. I don't mind the drive!

*swoons*

We might kiss when we are alone
When nobody's watching
We might take it home
We might make out when nobody's there
It's not that we're scared
It's just that it's delicate

So why do you fill my sorrow
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place (that) you've known
And why do you sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why do you sing with me at all?

We might live like never before
When there's nothing to give
Well how can we ask for more
We might make love in some sacred place
The look on your face is delicate

So why do you fill my sorrow
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place (that) you've known
And why do you sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why do you sing with me at all?

So why do you fill my sorrow
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place (that) you've known
And why do you sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why do you sing with me at all?

2006-07-06T22:13:00.000-05:00

HAPPY 70TH BIRTHDAY DAD!!!!!

That's my dad blowing out the candles on his "cake" tonight. I can't believe he is 70!! Where did all the time go?

It was really a very nice evening. We had a very yummy dinner, followed by a viewing of The Colbert Report (how can you not love Stephen Colbert?). Afterwards my dad & I took Moe for a walk out on the golf course. It had been raining all day so it was plenty muddy & there were tons of big puddles which Moe of course just HAD to splash & roll around in. He & my dad loved every minute of it.

While I was in the bathroom cleaning up from our muddy walk, I overheard my dad telling my mom how happy he was to have Moe & I there. He said "it's the simple things like this, having them here, taking that walk on the golf course, that make me so happy."

My dad. He's such an old softy. :)

Confirmation

2006-07-05T22:24:00.000-05:00

It's official... the boy read my letter. And apparently it didn't freak him out at all. In fact, he really liked it. I was told I "touched his heart". Of course I didn't hear any of this from him because he still has not attempted to contact me in any way. Not that I'm surprised. I'm just glad I know that he read it. It's all out there, written in black & white, & I can never take it back. I wouldn't want to.

*sigh*

I miss him. A lot.

I was just nowhere near your neighborhood

2006-07-03T01:42:00.000-05:00

Right now my apartment is the messiest it has ever been. I actually can't believe how incredibly messy it is. It's quite gross. It's almost but not quite as bad as Steve's apartment in "Singles" after he broke up with Linda after they had the car accident & she lost their baby.

However, I couldn't care less about it & have absolutely no urge whatsoever to clean.

This is bad.

But at least I did the dishes earlier today. That's something, right?

...

2006-07-02T02:01:00.000-05:00

"You remember that idea I had about working stuff out on my own and then finding you once I figured stuff out?

The ellipsis?

Yes, the ellipsis. It's dumb. It's dumb. It's an awful idea. I'm not gonna do it, okay? 'Cause like you said, this is it. This is life. And I'm in love with you, Samantha. I think that's the only thing I've ever been really sure of in my entire life. I'm really messed up right now & I got a whole lot of stuff I gotta work out, but I don't want to waste any more of my life without you in it."

Fucking Garden State.

Goddammit this wasn't supposed to be so fucking hard. How long am I going to feel this way?

Painted Tuesdays

2006-06-27T20:09:00.000-05:00

I think next Tuesday night I'm going to go to this. I haven't done any life drawing since college & this combines art with alcohol. How can that not be fun?

Pathetic

2006-06-26T21:29:00.000-05:00

I think I'm probably the only woman in the world who can watch a movie like Shaun of the Dead & get the same feelings as someone who watches movies like Before Sunrise or Sleepless in Seattle.

*sigh*

Too many memories.

Saying good-bye

2006-06-25T00:36:00.000-05:00

Last night was the going away party for the boy (he is moving to Boston on tuesday to attend grad school). It wasn't really a "party"... there were only 5 of us, plus him, (all extremely good friends) sitting in the back yard of our friend's house talking, laughing, eating & drinking. It really was quite perfect... so relaxed & effortless. He didn't talk much. He just sat there watching. One of our friends asked him if he was ok & why he wasn't saying anything. As he tried to find the words to explain, I said "he's soaking it all in". He looked over at me, smiled a little smile & said "exactly". He said that this is what he was taking with him... the memories of this night, of these friends, the people he loves.

Around midnight, he looked over to me & whispered "I think I need to go now" (he had to drive to Austin in the morning to do one last family obligation). He stood up & told the rest that he needed to leave. We all walked inside, took a few last pictures, hugged him & wished him well. Before he could leave, I handed him a little gift I'd put together. It was a small brown paper bag with the words "Road Trip Emergency Kit" hand written by me on one side, & a hand-drawn road sign on the other that said "Boston 1849 mi." Inside were 4 teeny tiny bottles of scotch (his favorite drink). I said it was for when his sister started to drive him crazy on the drive. He laughed & said he'd probably break open the 1st bottle in the 1st 10 minutes.

I knew going into this that he wouldn't be willing to have a heart to heart, so I made him a card which I handed to him after I gave him his gift. On the envelope I wrote "to be read alone".

Inside this card, I told him how incredibly proud I was of him for taking this huge step in his life, that I'm sure he will learn so much more about himself, & that he needs to soak it all in & learn all that he can. I also decided to take a risk & tell him of the many things about him that made me fall in love with him. It was straight from this post that I made back in December after he told me that he loved me. I figured I'd likely never see or hear from him again, so what the hell?

We all walked him to the front door, hugged him again & said good-bye again. By this time Van & I were crying. As he walked out the door, another friend told me to walk out with him. I followed him out the door & said "just one more..." I was crying as I pulled him in, gave him a little kiss, & hugged him long & hard. He looked as if he was about to cry & after I let him go, he quickly turned around & walked away. He waved & said good-bye, but he never looked back at me. I went back inside & back into the back yard with everyone & I continued to cry silently... trying to hold back my tears & hoping that nobody could see them through the candle-light.

After last night, I realized that I'm not getting over him as easily as I thought. It had been at least a month since I'd seen him last. When I saw him, I looked into those deep dark eyes, he gave me a huge hug hello, & my heart started to melt.

Saying good-bye was harder than I ever thought it would be. This was really, REALLY good-bye. I think it hit him last night as well. I don't know if I'll ever hear from him again. I don't think I will, but only time will tell. I do know that he will always be in my heart, & right now, my heart aches.

Technical Chat

2006-06-22T21:56:00.000-05:00

There is a new thing out there (at least it's new to me) that as of tonight... I love. It's called "technical chat". Twice tonight I needed assistance regarding 2 different accounts.... my cell phone & my cable.

I wanted to add more text messages to my monthly plan so I started out doing it the regular way online by purchasing the text package. However, at the very end, I got an error message that said they could not complete my transaction so I needed to call customer service or use their new "technical chat" service. Basically it's an IM with a customer service agent. I logged on & *POOF!* there was an agent ready to assist me. In about 2 minutes, the deed was done & I had unlimited text messaging for the next month (so text away people!!). WOO-HOOO!!! I thought to myself "they finally realized that people get super shitty reception in their homes so they came up with a way for customers to get assistance without the hassle of the whole 'can you hear me now?' crap. Awesome!"

Then I went to Time Warner's website to see if I could find out about getting a gift card for my dad (his 70th birthday is next month & I want to get him a year's worth of DVR service). There wasn't anything readily available on their website, but again I saw the option of "technical chat". Again I logged on & immediately I was chatting with a customer service rep. No phones... no "if you need blah-blah, press 1... if you need blah-blah-blah, press 2..." No waiting FOREVER to get to a f'ing human being! I asked the rep a ton of questions & she instantly had an answer for all of them. After about 5 minutes, I knew everything I needed to know to give my dad a birthday present I know he will love. It was awesome.

Sometimes technology is a beautiful thing.

In other news... I know I still need to post about my trip to San Diego (you can read about the marathon portion here) but things are just way too busy to get it all down right now. In the mean time... click here to see the pics I took. There are a bunch more that my girlfriends took, but many of those aren't fit for publication. Sorry but what happens in San Diego... stays in San Diego. LOL!

Toodles! :)

2006-06-18T13:34:00.000-05:00

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!!!!

I'm off to the 'rents to spend some time with my dad & have dinner.

*Update*

It was a nice time with the 'rents. Dad was SO happy to see me & I swear he was even happier to see Moe. When Moe ran into his office to greet him, my dad got SO excited. He started talking all baby talk to him & was giving him scratches & belly rubs. It was too f'ing cute. We all had a really nice dinner at home & then afterwards we took Moe for a walk on the golf course. My mom told me that when I was in CA, they did this every day with Moe & my dad absolutely loved every minute of it. I wish I'd brought my camera with me on the walk because at one point, my dad took Moe off by himself to one of the greens on the golf course & mom & I could hear him talking to Moe. It had just finished pouring down rain so the grounds were soaking wet & semi-flooded, & there was a slight mist in the air which created a rainbow behind them. My dad looked so happy & content. It was a great thing to see. :)

The Whale's Vagina

2006-06-08T07:48:00.000-05:00

I'm back from San Diego. The trip was SO much fun. I have to get ready for work, but here are a few highlights:

Bad ass hotel room on 29th floor 1st 3 nights overlooking the water & downtown San Diego
Gorgeous weather for most of the days
Spent way too much money at the race expo
SUPER hot marines were all over the marathon course (the finish line was on the MC base)
My back seized up on me about 5 miles into the marathon which caused me to go SUPER slow & miss the 1st time cut-off in the race, so I had to take the diversion & ended up doing only about 18 miles. However, I still got to cross the finish line & got a medal.
My fabulous friend Kim was able to visit with me 2 days in a row & even surprised me at my hotel after the marathon with flowers, balloons, & a card. :)
Spent the final 3 days in town at a FANTASTIC resort & spa w/ 2 of my teammates. Our bungalo was on the beach.
Met several cute guys at the pool at the resort.
Had a big bonfire on our private beach w/ cute guys.
Hung out w/ 1 of the cute guys from the pool the next day & all through the next morning.
Made out w/ cute guy.
Cute guy took me to breakfast on my last day & drove me to the airport.
Kissed cute guy goodbye at airport.
Cute guy asked me to call him & email him.
Already planning trip to Vegas to hang out w/ cute guy again. (He used to live there)

Gotta run! More details to come! :)

The best laid plans...

2006-05-30T22:09:00.000-05:00

Well, the big Memorial Day weekend did NOT go as planned.

Earlier in the week, my back went out on me. It was so bad that I missed 2 days of work. I went to the dr. & got some X-rays to make sure there was nothing serious, & thankfully things looked pretty good... considering. A few discs are compressed, but it's not as bad as it could be. The dr. said with some good drugs & physical therapy, I should be good to go for the marathon on June 4.

I was all happy & excited Saturday because my back was feeling TONS better. I could move without pain & I could even bend over! All I had was a little stiffness & only a teeeny bit of soreness when I'd get up from sitting. I figured by next week I'd be good to go for the marathon. I went to practice in the morning but only helped out at the water station (no running!) then went home to get ready to fly to South Padre. Everything was fine until I got to my friend's house. I felt a small twinge in my back again, only this time it was on the right side. It wasn't too bad at first, then I picked up my small duffle bag & started to carry it to the car. I quickly dropped the bag because the pain in my back was excruciating. I hoped it would calm down, but after the drive to the airport, waiting for our delayed flight, then the hour long plane ride, the pain just got worse & worse.

We got to our hotel & decided to go to the beach, figuring maybe just relaxing in the water would make me feel better, but unfortunately to get to the water, we had to walk through a huge section of SUPER soft sand. Every step hurt more & more. When we finally got to the water, it felt better in the cool ocean, but the walk back to the hotel thru that soft sand again, just made it so much worse. We went out to eat & I took some muscle relaxers & a double dose of anti-inflamatories. By the time we got back to our room, around 9:30, I was ready to pass out. Unfortunately, the bed was very hard & VERY uncomfortable. I kept waking up in more pain & just wanted to cry. When my friends woke up I told them how bad it was & started crying. Adrienne changed my flight & drove me to the airport so I could go home & rest. I felt bad for ruining part of her weekend, but she was super nice about it. Her mom even came to pick me up at the airport, drove me to Adrienne's so I could get my car, then followed me home so she could bring in my luggage & save me from lifting anything. How nice was that?

I spent the rest of the weekend laying in a fetal position on my couch, fully doped up on anti-inflammatories & pain killers. By this morning the pain was much better, but still not good enough to make me feel confident about my trip to Cali this weekend. I met with the physical therapist & things went pretty well, right up til the end. After the stretches & exercises, she hooked some electrodes up to my lower back, had me lay down on a bed & let the electrodes massage my back. It felt great while I was laying there, but as soon as it was done & the PT helped me sit up, I had a huge searing pain in my back. I actually screamed out in pain. (that scared her but good!) I went right home & got back in that fetal position, took some more drugs & crashed. It's still sore now, but better than when I left the PT.

No matter what, I'm still going to California. It's too late to cancel anything so I figure the least I can do is go & cheer on my friends. But there's still that part of me that thinks maybe, just MAYBE I'll be able to run the marathon. The thought of missing this race, after spending so much time & effort on the training, not to mention the fundraising, is absolutely heartbreaking to me. I can't even think about it or else I just start to cry.

I have to do this race. I just have to!!

College Revisited

2006-05-26T21:47:00.000-05:00

When I was in college, I never did the whole crazy "let's go to Padre Island & party our asses off!!" thing for spring break. It's not like I felt I missed out on anything... that's never really been me. But this weekend I'm going to "relive" the ole college days. Adrienne & I are flying off to Padre Island for Memorial Day weekend, along with her buddy, Phil. I doubt we'll really do anything wild & crazy. It'll probably be more like us lounging by the pool or on the beach drinking several tastey beverages & then maybe going out to a bar or 2 for more tastey beverages. But still, it'll be nice to get away for the weekend & be a bum before all hell breaks loose & I head off to San Diego for the marathon.

ACK!!! I can't believe the marathon is only a week away!!!!

R.I.P.

2006-05-23T16:42:00.000-05:00

Another death... this one a little more expected, but still extremely sad, nonetheless. Former Senator Lloyd Bentsen died this morning. Not only was he a great statesman, he was also the grandfather of a very good friend of mine. I spoke with her yesterday & knew from our conversation that he would likely die very soon, so it came as no surprise when I received her text message this morning informing me of his death. Even so, I was still at a loss for words. What's "funny" is that when I talked to her this morning, she ended up making me feel better. Leave it to Lori to do that. I know how close she was to her grandfather & I am so glad that she got to spend so much extra time with him these past few years. He definitely hung on longer than I think anyone thought he would. As she said, he got to see her get married & that was so very special. And now, in a bittersweet end, his memorial service will be held in the very same church where he watched her get married... just down the street from my apartment. So very sad.

Rest in peace, Senator Bentsen.

I just don't think I'll ever get over you

2006-05-21T23:16:00.000-05:00

The other day while having dinner with some girlfriends, one of them (the only one in a committed relationship) kept trying to come up with ways for us to find boyfriends. Apparently it is now her mission to find us love. As I sat there & listened to her strategize, I looked over at my other friend across the table & wondered if she was thinking the same thing I was thinking... that no matter how much we say we want to find someone & be in a loving, committed relationship, we just can't seem to give up on the possibility that it will still happen with the men that we are already in love with.

Some days I'll fool myself into thinking that I'm really getting over him & that maybe I'll be ready to move on & try to find a real relationship. Then my damn subconscious will sucker punch me with a dream, a thought, a wish. Suddenly I'll only be able to think of the way his soft warm hands felt in mine, how it felt to be in his arms, the way he smells...

Why do we do this to ourselves? Why can't we seem to give up on this foolish notion that if we try hard enough & wait long enough, that the outcome will be any different than before? Are we sabotaging ourselves? Is it that we don't feel we deserve any better than the shit we're getting? Or are we afraid that this is all we'll ever really get?

I need to stop this destructive behavior. I need to accept the fact that no matter what I say or do, I cannot force the boy to do something he doesn't want to do (or isn't willing to do). I need to actually start believing that maybe, just maybe, there is someone out there that will love me without fear & who will be everything I need & deserve.

Of course, this would all be easier if I could get the boy to stop appearing in my dreams.

2006-05-21T21:29:00.000-05:00

"I'm just a girl, standing in front of boy, asking him to love her."

4 episodes of Sex in the City + "Notting Hill" = me a weeping mess.

Goddammit! I want this fucking pain to go away.

About a month from now, he will move 2000 miles away & I will likely never see or hear from him again. I only wish he could leave my heart as easily as he can leave the state of Texas.

Score!

2006-05-18T14:52:00.000-05:00

I scored 2nd row tickets to Fiona Apple & Damien Rice today. SWEET!! I have loved Fiona for years & I am still kicking myself for missing Damien 3 years ago when he played that super tiny club downtown, so there was no way I was going to miss out on this show. I'm VERY excited.

I also got very excited yesterday when I saw the official lineup for the Austin City Limits Music Festival. Tom Petty, Van Morrison, the Shins, Damien Rice, Guster, Iron & Wine, Aimee Mann, Galactic, Tragically Hip, Ray Lamontagne, Matt Nathanson... are you kidding me? Awesome. Just awesome.

September is going to be a fun month. ACL one weekend, DMB & Robert Randolph in Charlottesville the next. Woo-hoo! I can't wait! :)

Photo of the Day

2006-05-17T22:36:00.000-05:00

I was SO excited when I checked out the Houstonist today & saw that one of my photos was chosen as their Flickr Group Photo of the Day. How f'ing cool is that? It totally made my day.

Long time no post

2006-05-15T00:01:00.000-05:00

It's been a while since I posted. It's not because I don't have anything to say... far from it. It's that so much has been going on & I have so much to say & so little time to say it. I also have found it hard to properly express all my feelings lately, so forgive me if I just seem to babble on & on (cuz it's not like I ever babble, right?).

Last weekend was the kind of weekend that makes you re-evaluate your life & priorities & reminds you how precious life really is. Last Saturday I went to the funeral of the 26 year-old son of a friend of mine. His son was brutally, BRUTALLY murdered the previous weekend. He'd been beaten, shot & his hands & feet were tied together before his body was tossed into the bayou. His body was found 2 days later by 2 kids. My friend keeps praying that his son was killed instantly when he was shot because the thought of him still being alive as he was tossed in the water, unable to swim or breathe, is too much for him to bear.

As I sat with my friend at his house the day before the funeral, he told me all about the events of that weekend, from when his son was 1st missing, up to the point where they found out that it was indeed his son's body that was found. I was amazed at how calm he was as he told the grueling story & all I wanted to do was weep. But I stayed strong for my friend.

What do you say to someone... particularly a friend... who has lost a child in this manner? How does anyone who lost a child this way manage to go on with their lives? As I was hugging my friend I didn't want to let go. I wanted to be able to just hold him & take all his pain away, but I knew that was impossible. I felt so helpless & felt like I had no words to properly express how sorry I was about his loss. He assured me that just the fact that I was there with him & listened was what he really needed. It still didn't feel like enough.

The funeral was standing room only... so packed that everyone was shoulder to shoulder & the A/C couldn't work hard enough to keep us cool. The service was absolutely beautiful... very moving & uplifting. I've only been to 3 funerals in my life, so I don't know if this was just the Jamaican way of doing things (the family is originally from Jamaica), but if it is, then it's how I want mine to be. It was a true celebration of life. I was amazed at how many people got up to speak about Michael. It was incredible to see & hear how many lives & hearts this young man touched. His death brought together hundreds of people from all races & all walks of life. He was deeply, deeply loved. I found myself wishing I'd met him & gotten to know him myself. From everything I heard, he was just like his father... smart, fun, witty, handsome, full of life & love, always smiling, always singing, always willing to help anyone out. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. There were definitely a lot of tears shed, but there was also laughter & song. At one point, one of Michael's best friends got up & burst into Bob Marley's "Redemption Song". He had the whole congregation clapping & singing along. It was something Michael would have done. Then a Jamaican woman got up & sang a Jamaican hymn. Since many people there were from Jamaica, they too sang along & it was just beautiful.

The last person who spoke at Michael's funeral had the biggest effect on me. He said "be mad. Be sad. Scream. Cry. Ask God 'why?'" But then he said that when it comes down to it, we need to remember that love is what really matters. All the little shit that happens is not important & that life is too short to hold grudges. He urged us all to call those that we love & to tell them that we love them, no matter what may have happened in the past. The first thing I did as I left the funeral was to call my parents & tell them that I love them.

Afterwards there was a gathering at my friend's house & everywhere you went, you heard laughter. People were telling stories of Michael & it was bringing strangers together. Even as the rain came, everyone stayed outside & let the rain wash over them as they remenisced. I was sitting at a table with some friends by the pool as it started to rain. We never even made any attempt to move. "It's just water" we said. I was thinking to myself "so what if we get a little wet. We're alive."

This whole experience has had such a big effect on me. Here was a young man who, in such a short period of time accomplished so many things & touched so many lives. It has forced me to look at & really think about my life & my decisions. I don't want to go through my life scared. I don't want to have had a life without purpose. I need to learn to take more chances & to not settle. I need to make changes. Life is too short.

One of those weeks

2006-05-04T00:05:00.000-05:00

You ever have one of those weeks where you wish you'd never gotten out of bed? Well that's what I've been having.

My emotions are still all a complete mess after this weekend. The short version of everything is this:

I built everything up way too big in my head & had all these expectations about the weekend. I tried to convince myself that I really didn't have these expectations, but I did & ended up being crushed when they didn't even come close to coming to fruition. The boy showed up to the hotel late, made us late to the wedding, pretty much completely ignored me the entire time, then left after being there for barely 2 hours. There I was, in my fabulous black dress, looking super hot & ready to charm the pants off him, & there he was... the man that I love... running away. I hated myself for making such a huge effort & getting my hopes up for nothing. Add in the fact that I'd had SEVERAL cocktails by this point (I had started back at the hotel in the early afternoon) & you get me sobbing my eyes out & apparently talking/bitching very loudly.

I'm not proud of myself, that's for sure.

I felt like shit the whole rest of the weekend (my tummy did NOT like me at. all. Sunday or Monday) & I didn't even go in to work Monday.

THEN, when I got to work Tuesday, the boy informs us that the only son of a friend of ours was brutally murdered over the weekend. I can't even fathom what our friend is going through right now. How does someone get over losing a child like that? And what do you say to someone who has to go through such a horrible ordeal? The funeral is Saturday & I have no idea what I'm going to say or do when I see my friend. I don't even want to think about it, but then I feel guilty because there's no way my friend can NOT think about it. This is going to be with him the rest of his life.

Something like this happening makes me want to just go balls out & profess my complete love for the boy, but as I've been thinking about everything this week, & knowing what I know about the boy, I think deep down I really do know that this is it. It will never happen with us. I'm too ready & he's just no where near ready. He has so much growing up to do & he needs to do it on his own. However, I think I will still eventually tell him before he moves, just to have the closure. I'm already expecting to never hear from him again after he moves, so what have I got to lose?

A picture says 1000 words?

2006-04-30T22:04:00.000-05:00

Funny how we look so happy, yet about 15 minutes after this picture was taken, he was running away & I was bawling my eyes out.

I fucking hate men.

And I fucking hate myself for allowing myself to fall in love.

Aaaaahhhh the 80's

2006-04-27T21:30:00.000-05:00

By request, here are the pics of me from about 1988. The hair color is natural, but the curls are not. Don't even ask me about the glasses.

Oy.

Memories

2006-04-26T23:03:00.000-05:00

Scott & I met when we were about 13 years old. We hit it off right away & became great friends. Freshman year of high school, I had a big crush on him, but it was never meant to be. We were only meant to be friends. Good friends. Throughout high school, we were always there for each other. He was my best guy friend & the one I always went to whenever I needed a guy's perspective on things (which was almost always in regards to my high school love). When he was about 15/16 years old, he lost an eye in a freak paint-ball accident. For the rest of our high school days he wore a patch over his "eye" or a prosthetic. (We took great joy in grossing unsuspecting people out by removing the eye.) He was an incredible artist & his artistic abilities made me strive to be a better artist myself. Our senior year we were both featured in an art show at a gallery & my main piece in that show was a drawing I'd done of him. I still have that drawing in my closet.

The day before I left for college, I drove to his house to say good-bye. I had so much I wanted to say to him, but I knew I couldn't do it face to face, so I wrote him a long letter. I can't remember anything I wrote, but I do remember the way I felt when we said good-bye. I just knew that I would probably never see or hear from him again. It was sad, but at the same time, I think I was ok with it. I think it was one of those times when you just know that things have gone their course & you'll be ok.

Fast forward 10 years when I received the invitation to my high school reunion. I went with my best friend, Kelly (who I'd been friends with... and still am good friends with... since we were 14). I went in the hopes that maybe, just maybe, Scott would be there. I didn't care who else was there. He was the only one I really wanted to see, but he never came. However, I wasn't going to let that stop me. I went online & did an email search & lo & behold, I found him! I sent him an email & he responded right away. It turned out that he worked fairly close to my office so we ended up getting together for a long lunch one day. It was amazing. It was as if no time had ever passed & we just picked up where we left off. As we left the lunch, we had every intention of keeping in touch, but life just got in the way. We'd email a couple times a year, but we haven't seen each other since.

It's been over a year since I last heard from him, but about a month ago, when I sent him an e-vite to my crawfish boil fundraiser, he emailed me back with a quick "hey, hi, how are ya? I'm fine. The wife & kids are fine. Hope you're doing well." I replied with my own quick version of my life & then there was nothing more from him.

Until this morning.

I awoke to not one, but 2 emails from him. The 1st one I read was an apology for all the typos in the other email. When I opened the other email, little did I know what an emotional impact it would have on me. I don't know what's been going on in his life lately, but he has obviously been doing some reflecting. In this email were 2 photos he'd taken of me when we were about 17 & the story of how not long after he took those photos, his dad died from cancer. He talked about how fast life passes us by & before we know it, we can miss so much. As I read his words, I was staring at the necklace I was wearing in one of the photos. I realized it was the necklace my sister had given to me on the day she married Dave. Like Scott's dad, Dave died of cancer. And it just so happens that it is almost exactly 5 years to the day since Dave died. I could feel the lump in my throat getting bigger & the tears that had been welling up in my eyes began to pour down my cheeks.

Isn't it funny how one picture of such a young & innocent time can remind 2 different people of such sad turning points in their lives? This may not make sense to anyone else, but for me, it just solidified my feeling that certain people are meant to be there for you at certain times of your life. I felt such a strong connection to Scott once again & I have a feeling I will be seeing him soon.

I hope that feeling comes true.

Ooooo!!!!

2006-04-23T18:59:00.000-05:00

Robert Randolph & the Family Band will be opening for DMB in Charlottesville!!!

I know I'm late in getting this news but it makes me SOOOO happy!! :) :) :) :)

So much to do... so little desire to do any of it

2006-04-23T14:48:00.000-05:00

I have a ton of things I should be doing today but all I feel like doing is laying on the couch, which I've already done for the good part of today. Part of the excuse I'm using is that I sort of hurt my lower back at practice yesterday. It's not completely disabling, but it's annoying enough to make me want to just lay down.

Ugh. I really need to do more to get into better shape. I've been terrible about exercising other than my 2 team practices a week. I have exactly 6 weeks before the marathon & if I don't get my ass in gear, I'm not going to finish the race. And that is just UNACCEPTABLE!! I'm actually more worried about not finishing the race than I am about my fundraising. I have about 5 weeks before my fundraising deadline & I still need $2500.

Not. good.

So if any of you out there (the small handful of readers I actually have) are feeling generous, please make a donation at my fundraising website. No donation is too small (although large donations are much appreciated).

In other news, I'm trying really hard to get over the boy, but some days it's not so easy. I'm actually glad he's moving out of state in a few months because then I won't be able to see him & I have a feeling we won't ever have contact again after he leaves, so then I won't have any choice but to get over him completely. Until then, it's going to be a tough road. Especially at the wedding next weekend. I've spent so much time trying to find just the right outfit to wear to make him slobber. But why am I doing this to myself? What do I really hope to accomplish? Do I really think anything is going to happen between us? The rational side of my brain knows that it's never going to happen, but the irrational, hopeless romantic side of my brain (which apparently rules these days) still thinks that if I try hard enough that he will profess his undying love for me & actually take action.

*sigh*

I need a lobotamy.

In other boring news, I just started reading Marley & Me. I'm only about 7o pages in & I've already laughed my ass off & cried my eyes out. I don't know how this book will read to a non-dog owner, but for someone like me who has lived the past 9 years with my own version of Marley, it is wonderful. However, I'm sure I know how the book will end & I'm not looking forward to it.

I'm too tired to come up with a witty title

2006-04-20T22:08:00.000-05:00

I feel bad for not posting much lately. During the day I think of all sorts of things I can write about, but things have just been so busy that by the time I get home & I have some free time, I forget what I was going to write about & have no energy to post.

Basically life has been pretty much work & TNT stuff for the last 2 weeks, with a few social outings scattered here & there (nothing major... just hanging out w/ my friends). The marathon is only 6 weeks away & I'm a bit freaked out. I'm starting to panic about the race itself. I'm worried I won't be able to finish in the alotted time.

My gums are still fucked up from having my wisdom teeth pulled & it's driving me up a f'ing wall.

Moe is slowly getting better. He's scared to really walk on his leg, but when he does, he does great. I even got him swimming last week (he had no problems running around the pool). He has practically no muscle tone in his leg any more so I've got to be dilligent about exercising him so he can build it back up.

Had lunch w/ the boy last week & discussed what happened at my birthday party. I told him how pissed/hurt I was & explained why. I could tell by the look on his face that he'd been totally clueless & truly felt bad about all of it. He apologized several times & promised he'd work on his interpersonal skills. He's forgiven. The rest of our afternoon together was great fun. I'd missed hanging out w/ him like that.

Next week the boy & I are going to the wedding of a good friend of ours out of town. He's going up a day early to hang out w/ a buddy so I'm riding up w/ another friend & riding back home w/ him. The reception will have an open bar. That should make for an interesting 4-1/2 hour drive home the next day.

Seeing as there's really no place to go w/ this thing between the boy & I, two of my girlfriends are determined to find me a boyfriend. They're threatening to come up w/ their own profile of me, post it online, & pick all my dates. This frightens me. A lot.

I'm not sure how I feel about this movie. The trailer alone makes me cry. I don't know how I could sit through the whole movie. But the fact that the family members really wanted it made makes me torn. I really don't know if I can watch it but I have a feeling eventually I will. To this day every time I see a plane fly low in the sky (living near a major airport, I see it a lot) for a second I wonder if it will fly into one of the buildings. I wonder if I'll ever stop wondering that.

In a flash...

2006-04-14T20:45:00.000-05:00

Work - busy
Health - few aches & pains
Teeth - missing
Gums - still swollen like a mo'fo
Food - still not on hard solids
Friends - awesome
Social life - not too bad
The boy - forgiven (actually had a great time w/ him today at lunch)
Me - full of pasta & ready for bed
4:30 am - too f'ing early, but I'm gonna do it anyway
18 miles - too f'ing long, but I'm gonna do it anyway
Me - crazy

2006-04-07T18:29:00.000-05:00

Do you have any idea how hard it is to eat & not let any of the food get to the back of your jaws?

*sigh*

I'm eating teeny tiny pieces of saltines like a bunny (w/ my front teeth). I had some yogurt earlier & about 20 minutes later I started sweating & seriously almost barfed my brains out. The only way I could get the nausea to stop was to curl up in the fetal position on the couch & not move a muscle. It took about 2 hours for it to stop.

I hate dentists.

Losing wisdom

2006-04-07T10:16:00.000-05:00

Well, I just got back from having my last 3 wisdom teeth pulled & let me tell you... that was NOT fun!!!! That was MISERABLE!!! The upper right tooth was a piece of cake. Absolutely no pain & came out bing, bam, boom. The bottom teeth? TOTALLY different story. The left one hurt when he started so he gave me more novacaine & went to the right one. That fucker did NOT want to come out. He had to drill it a little & then it broke in 1/2 when he tried to pull it. It was wedged in there pretty good. When it finally came out, he called for help because I think it was bleeding real bad. He kept asking for "super suction". I think it broke into a few tiny pieces as well & he was trying to get them out of the back of my throat.

After he got the right teeth out, he went back to the left one. No pain finally, but again, that fucker just did NOT want to come out. He drilled it & finally it came out, but it, too broke & the big part of my tooth got lodged in the back of my throat. I panicked at 1st cuz I was choking. I knew panicking wasn't going to help me so I calmed down & allowed him to work to get it out. After what seemed like an eternity (which I'm sure was really all of about 5 seconds) he got it out. *whew!*

Oh & did I mention that in the middle of all of this, the fire alarm started going off in the building & fire trucks pulled up outside?

Good times.

My poor mom was sitting in the waiting room & said she could hear me whincing & gagging. She said she was SO nervous & worried about me. When I came out my hands were shaking like you wouldn't believe. I could barely sign the credit card receipt. Almost immediately my right jaw was hurting. I just know that once all this novacaine wears off (I swear he gave me about 40 shots) I just know I'm going to be in agony. I took a Vicodin as soon as I got to the dentist's office & I can feel it finally kicking in (my adrenaline stopped it from really working in the beginning). You can bet your ass I am going to keep myself heavily medicated for the rest of the weekend.

Ugh. This sucks. But I am SOOOOOOOOOO glad it's over. The rest should be a walk in the park (I have a few more fillings to get done).

I'm gonna go pass out now.

Long-ass birthday recap...

2006-04-06T23:01:00.000-05:00

Friday night Adrienne & I went to the Astros exhibition game w/ 2 of her friends. Our seats were fabulous (5 rows behind the Astros dugout) & a good time was had by all. We even got to see a guy 2 rows in front of us propose to his girlfriend on the giant screen (we got a bit misty over that). We fully intended on going home immediately after the game so we could be up & at the park by 5:45 to run 14 miles. However, it didn't exactly work out that way. We ran into a friend of Adrienne's at the ball park & decided to join him & his 2 buddies for a drink at the Bus. "We'll only stay 20 minutes."

Uh-huh.

20 minutes turned into 2 hours, & after those 2 hours, the Bus turned into Taco Milagro, but it was closing so we ended up at the cigar bar next door. A little after midnight one of the guys stood up & announced to the bar that it was now officially my birthday & they all began to sing "Happy Birthday" to me. Next thing I know, a waitress is putting a lovely slice of the yummiest cheesecake EVER in front of me. It was a great surprise. I ended up getting home around 1:30 & to bed around 2:00.

I never did make it to practice at 5:45, but because I felt so guilty, I decided to run 8 miles at 8:30. Go me! The rest of the morning/afternoon was spent doing laundry & napping for several hours. I had to be well rested for my birthday party later that night! My friend, Van planned it all & kept me in the dark about the whole thing. I had no idea of the time, place or who would be there. It was both exciting & nerve wracking at the same time. Eventually I got a text message from Van saying to be ready by 7 pm & someone would pick me up.

Around 5, my friend Kelly called me & asked how much I knew about that night. I said nothing, & then she kinda sounded panicked. She admitted that she had something she needed to heat up but didn't know if where we were going had an oven (ok, so that means Van's house is out of the question) so she asked if she could borrow mine. A little after 6 she & her boyfriend showed up at my place (btw... Kelly was dressed up very nicely), borrowed my oven for 30 minutes (my mom had made my favorite pasta dish & Kelly picked it up to bring to the party), then left (ok, so that means Kelly isn't the one picking me up). A few minutes later, Kelly called me to tell me to meet her outside & she'd take me to the location (ok, so it IS Kelly).

As I walked outside into my courtyard, a bunch of my neighbors were starting a little party of their own. They all stood up & sang "Happy Birthday" to me, which was a total surprise cuz I had no idea they even knew it was my birthday. Turns out Kelly told them as she walked out the 1st time. Too cute! I got in Kelly's car & she took me to the party location... a bar about 3 blocks away. I must admit that I was a bit perplexed at the choice of location. This bar isn't exactly a swanky place... it's a very simple, very basic bar where people usually go to watch sports on tv. But then I found out who picked the location... the boy.

Aha! Makes COMPLETE sense to me. It's a place he likes to go so he'd feel more comfortable there, plus he'd still get to watch the Final Four basketball games. Figures. Van later told me that she wasn't too sure about the place, but that he told her that he & I had been there a few times before (ummm... it was twice) & that I seemed to really like it there (ummm.... I was REALLY drunk both times). A few days later I told her that was the place where he told me he loved me. She seems to think that may also have had to do with his choice but I have serious doubts about that, especially given his behavior that night, which I will get to later on in the story.

Anyhoo... we get to the bar & walk upstairs where my friends are gathered & they all yell "SURPRISE!" There was a table FULL of food. Enough to feed a whole army. Van made all of it except for my mom's pasta dish & the boy made a funky queso dip (beer was one of the ingredients!) & the raspberry-chipotle/cream cheese dip (he made a point of telling me how he spent a whole $8.65 on me. Gee. Thanks!). A few minutes later, my friend Carissa showed up w/ her boyfriend, Josh & they were carrying a big box. Inside the box was the coolest. cake. EVER! It was a perfect replica of the San Diego Rock-N-Roll Marathon finishers medal. AND SHE MADE IT HERSELF!!! I was blown away. I seriously almost cried over that damn cake. It meant SO much to me that she would do that. It was awesome. Just awesome.

A little while later, a few more of my friends showed up & we all just hung out for the night, eating, drinking (good GOD was there drinking), talking, laughing, playing darts & shooting pool. It was actually quite nice (I was very glad there wasn't anyone else in the bar upstairs so there was no cigarette smoke). I'm not the kind of girl that likes to go out & get completely crazy & go dancing. That's just not me. I like to just hang out with my friends, & that's exactly what we did. I must admit, it was a bit bizzare to me to see all of my worlds colliding in this manner. There were my friends from childhood, my friends from work, my friends from running, & my friends from the internet all in the same room. CRAZY!! I thought it was pretty funny that of everyone, it was the runners that stuck it out til the very end. All the marrieds/with kids folks petered out early on.

After many laughs & many, many, MANY drinks, we left the bar & Carissa & Josh drove me home & helped me bring in all my goodies. After I took Moe out, I called my good friend Kim in CA & talked to her for about 2 hours. It was the perfect way to end my birthday. By the time I hung up with her, with the time change, it was 4:00 am!!! I then proceeded to pass out on the couch & slept there til about 9 am. Surprisingly enough, I was hardly hung over at all. No headache whatsoever & only mild nausea that went away after I ate. SWEET!

So all in all... it was a great night. The one exception was the boy. He was a complete ASSHOLE the whole night. From the time I walked in the door to the time he walked out. Let's go down the list, shall we:

It started with him constantly making fun of me & my age. Now I fully expected to get some jokes, especially since my bday is April Fool's Day, but there comes a point when enough is enough. A few jokes in the beginning is fine, but the entire f'ing night?
He also managed to make fun of practically every single one of my friends. He didn't even take the time to get to know them. They'd say something & he would make a crack to them about it. God help them if they mentioned a sports team he didn't like! It seems the only exception was Evan. He actually talked to Evan for quite a while (about what, I have no idea, but I'm going to guess it was sports &/or Star Wars) & Evan thought he was cool. The others however, all told me they thought he was an ass. This behavior not only made me mad, but made me sad, too because I know how sweet & kind & caring he can be, but nobody else would believe that after the way he was that night.
He didn't get me so much as a f'ing birthday card. I don't even remember if he told me "Happy Birthday" when I came in.
Now, I'm just going in order of things as they happened throughout the night, but if I was going in order of things that pissed me off the most, this next one would be numero uno! HE INVITED HIS OWN FUCKING FRIENDS TO MY BIRTHDAY PARTY!!! A little while into the evening, some guy & some girl walked into the room & walked over to the boy. Everyone was asking me who they were, to which I said "I have no fucking idea!" I'd never seen these people in my life, but it was quite obvious that the boy had. He said he invited them cuz his buddy & his buddy's gf had nothing to do & he figured there'd be a ton of food so "why not?" Why not? Why not? I'll tell you why not... BECAUSE IT'S MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY YOU ASSHOLE!!! I'm sorry, but is it just me, or does anyone else think that was incredibly rude of him to do that? The consensus of my other friends at the party was a resounding "hell yes that was rude!" It's not like this was some frat party kegger. This was my 35th birthday party. The whole point of this evening was for ME to hang out with MY closest friends & celebrate ME. Not my closest friends & some random friends of theirs. I know he didn't feel comfortable hanging out with a group of people he didn't really know, but ya know what? You suck it up for a night because I'm your friend & you supposedly love me. You don't invite your own friends to someone else's private birthday party just so you can feel more comfortable.
Not only did he bring his own friends to my party, but he pretty much hung out ONLY with them. They sat with the group for a bit in the beginning while we ate but then moved to the other side of the bar & played darts. I went over there to see what was going on & ended up taking Van's place in the game. If I hadn't done that, I doubt I would've spent any time w/ the boy at all. And of course, during the game, he was a jerk. Making fun of my dart playing abilities & just telling me what to do. I finally just went to the bar to talk to my other friends & only went back to the dart game whenever my turn was up. I really wanted to just throw a dart at his head, but I held myself back. After darts, we played a game of pool. Again, nothing too thrilling. After the game, he said he was leaving, but of course, he had to get in one last pot shot at me. I punched him in the stomach & then got him in a headlock & didn't let go until he apologized. We never had any sort of a normal conversation the whole evening. Asshole.

So now I've been stewing about this all week. I haven't seen or talked to him since the party & I've been debating about whether or not I should tell him how much he pissed me off. Today at work Van told me that she talked to him the other day & she gently brought up the subject of him bringing his friends & told him that it was an odd thing to do. She said she thought of telling him that it pissed me off (it pissed her off, too btw), but she decided that it's something I should tell him. She said that he did say that maybe that wasn't the best idea in the world. Ya think?!?!

So, do I tell him? Or do I just forget about it & forget about him? This whole thing just solidified things for me. He is just WAY too immature & clueless. I don't have the time or energy to try to "show him the light" & dammit... I deserve SO much better. I am done with him.

D.O.N.E

Done!!!

I think I'm going to email him now.

35 & Fabulous!

2006-04-02T11:35:00.000-05:00

I'll give a full re-cap later, but for now, click here for pictures of my birthday party.

Do you know what day it is?

2006-04-01T11:48:00.000-06:00

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!!

Happy birthday to me!!!

Today I am 35 years old. (Wow. How the hell did that happen?)

So far the day hasn't been so bad. Last night my friend Adrienne took me to the Astros game. Our seats were AWESOME! We were about 5 rows behind the Astros' dugout so we got to see plenty of Craig Biggio. (YUM!) After the game we ran into Clark, a friend of Adrienne's & we went to the Bus (a bar across the street from the stadium) & met up w/ 2 of his friends. We hung out for a while & had some laughs then headed to Taco Milagro. Unfortunately they were closing right as we got there, but the cigar bar next door was open so we got some more drinks & sat outside & had more laughs. Suddenly one of the guys, Brad stood up & announced to everyone in the place that it was now officially my birthday. Then a waitress came over with a huge piece of chocolate caramel cheesecake with a match on it & the whole place sang Happy Birthday to me. It was very cool. :)

I skipped TNT practice this morning (no way I was going to be up to running at 6 am) but at 8:30 I decided to run 8 miles around Rice. When I got home I already had a few voice mails & text messages & emails from various friends. The last text I received was from the woman who is planning my party tonight. It said:

"be ready by 7 & someone will pick you up."

Hee hee! I have no idea what's going to happen, but I am so f'ing excited.

35 is going to be a good year. :)

Oh what a difference a 1/2 day makes!

2006-03-30T20:12:00.000-06:00

Last night when I went to bed, I could barely open my mouth & I was full of Vidodin. I woke up at 4 am because the Vicodin had worn off & the throbbing in my mouth began again. I popped another Vicodin, turned my alarm off (no way was I going to get up at 6:30 & go to work) & went back to sleep. I woke up again around 7:45, emailed work to say I wasn't coming in & tried to open my mouth up enough to eat some yogurt. I could only manage tiny spoonfuls at a time & I couldn't even lick my lips to get any excess yogurt off them because it hurt too much. I was cursing myself for allowing my dentist to pull my tooth & was sure I'd be in absolute misery for the next few days. I was still loopy from the Vicodin so I went back to sleep on the couch. When I woke up around noon, I noticed I didn't seem to be in as much pain & I was able to open my mouth more. When I felt brave enough, I grabbed a pack of Saltines & started to eat tiny bites. To my amazement, it didn't hurt much at all & I was actually able to really chew. I was SO hungry that I ate the entire pack & moved on to a couple slices of American cheese. My tummy was thanking me! By the early evening the pain was even less & I was able to open my mouth almost all the way. I just ate the yummiest bowl of pasta EVER! The bleeding has stopped & the hole where my tooth once was is covered over now. I am well on my way to recovery & I couldn't be more pleased! I figure by Saturday I'll be ready & rarin' to go for my party... wherever it may be.

HOORAY!!

The little things...

2006-03-29T21:53:00.000-06:00

I am the proud new owner of a gate opener. It may not seem like much, but to me it means a whole lot. If you've ever seen the movie "Singles" you may know what I'm talking about. :)

Ow

2006-03-29T21:12:00.000-06:00

Good lord. I can barely open my mouth. It hurts to laugh, smile, eat, drink, swallow... hell it even hurts to lick my lips! And this is only with one tooth! Imagine what it's gonna feel like next week when I have 3 of 'em taken out.

Oy.

*pops a Vicodin*

Apologies to Cayce

2006-03-29T19:16:00.000-06:00

Sorry I haven't been around much lately. Work is crazy busy & then I have all the stuff with Team in Training & at the end of the day, I just am too tired to blog. I've even been neglecting my training blog.

So let's see... what's been going on lately? Ummmm.... nothing too exciting. Like I said, work has been really busy but that's good because it's better than being bored all day. Every Tuesday night I have TNT practice & Monday & Wednesday nights are almost always spent at Evan & Lori's watching "24" & "Lost" (yes, I know. We're dorks. Tonight they are coming here because they just bought their 1st house & moved, but their electricity isn't on yet.) Thursday nights are my only nights where I can just rest & be a bum. Friday nights I'm in bed early because I have to be up so early for practice the next morning.

Today I had my 1st of several dentist appointments. I was supposed to just get 2 fillings drilled & filled, but when I also ended up getting my broken wisdom tooth pulled. I was fine during the drilling but freaked the FUCK out when he started pulling my tooth. The big problem? I wasn't completely numb. The dr. kept saying it was just pressure I was feeling but I immediately made him stop & explained that it most definitely was NOT just pressure. It was PAIN. He poked around a little & sure enough saw that I wasn't totally numb on the inside so he shot me up with a TON of novacaine. The actuall pulling of the tooth wasn't bad at all, but I was already in full panic attack mode & I wasn't able to calm myself down until about 5-10 minutes after he was done. The novacaine has worn off now & I feel like I've been punched in the jaw. I am thanking my lucky stars for my good friend, Mr. Vicodin.

Had I known I was getting the tooth pulled today, I would've eaten a big ole sammich before I left instead of that measly cup of yogurt. I am so. FUCKING. hungry!!! I just had another cup of yogurt & was able to ever so slowly eat a soft cereal bar (it took me about 20 minutes to get through it) but my tummy is still all grumbly but I have nothing else to eat that's soft. And I'm really getting tired of the taste of blood. BLECH!! This pain better be gone by Saturday.

Why?

Cuz Saturday is my birthday! WOOOO!!!

I still have absolutely no clue as to what is being planned but I'm pretty friggin' excited. I don't even know where I'll be going or what time or what I should wear. It's crazy. I got an email from my friend Kelly yesterday asking if my parents had an email address. Then she said "pretend you didn't see that." LOL! So obviously my parents are having some part in all this, too, which makes me a bit nervous. But still, it feels pretty damned good to know that my friends are doing this for me. :)

Now would someone please explain to me how the HELL I suddenly became 35 years old???

Ride 'em cowgirl!

2006-03-19T23:12:00.000-06:00

Yesterday afternoon I got a last minute invite to attend the rodeo with my friend Adrienne. I didn't have anything to do that night & I really didn't feel like sitting home alone yet again for another Saturday night, so I said yes, even though I was tired & sore from my 12 mile run that morning.

My friend picked me up around 4. Well, actually, her MOM picked me up & drove us to the rodeo. It was too f'ing funny. She was saying "what's sadder than being 32 years old & having your MOM drop you off on your night out?" I said "how about being 35 & having your friend's mom drop you off on your night out?" We felt like we were 12 years old again. It was f'ing hilarious.

We went right inside the Reliant stadium to find our seats which happened to be in a VIP luxury suite. We had our own private bathroom, big soft leather chairs, 3 TV's, our own personal waiter/bartender & all the free food & FREE liquor we could consume. It. was. awesome. Before our glasses were even empty, our waiter would come to ask if we wanted another. ("why yes, yes I would.") We talked, laughed, watched cowboys & cowgirls, & listened to Brooks & Dunn sing. It was so much fun. By the end of the rodeo, a couple of Adrienne's other friends had shown up & we were all just hanging out in the suite drinnking & laughing. When security finally shut our little bar down (what was left of it. We went thru a bottle of Crown, a bottle of Jack, & almost finished off a bottle of Grey Goose!) we decided to go to BW3's in midtown to drink some more. Not once did I ever feel uncomfortable, even though I was around really cute guys that I'd never met before. The conversation & laughs kept going & the drinks never stopped flowing. I know I drank WAY too much, but at the time, I was feelin' WAY too good to care. We racked up a $200 bar tab, which one of the guys picked up. After we parted ways with the guys, Adrienne & I walked the 2 blocks to her boyfriend's apt. building where we had a few more drinks (good GOD how many drinks did I have? 10? 12?) in the bar downstairs while we waited for my cab to show up. I was home before midnight & completely passed out on the couch until about 7:00 this morning. I was still drunk when I woke up & feeling a bit queasy so I drank a ton of water & forced myself to eat some waffles. I slept for pretty much the entire day (which is why I am still awake now) & during the times I wasn't asleep, I was really wishing I just would've thrown up. Oddly enough, I never had a headache the entire day. Weird.

Despite the way I felt today, I am still glad I went out last night. I need to get out more. I'm not saying I need to go out & get drunk every weekend. That's stupid. But I need to just get out there & be with my friends more. It's too easy to just stay home & veg on the couch in front of the tv. I can't let life get me down. I need to take charge. I have some great friends & I can't forget that. Life's too short. I need to enjoy it more.

Chance Encounter

2006-03-16T12:21:00.000-06:00

This morning as I was leaving one of the main offices I saw a man walking down the hall. From behind he looked just like the boy. A quick rush of excitement filled my body, but I knew it couldn't be him. He no longer works here & has no reason to be in the building, so I said to myself that it must be his look-alike. Behind me I heard a stairwell door open. As I turned away from the man to look to see who was coming behind me, I heard a sexy whistle ("woo-woo!"). As I turned back around I saw him... the boy. He stood there at the end of the hall, smiled at me & gave a cute little wave. The wave of excitement returned & I felt the biggest smile come over my face. I waved at him & asked him to stay right there as I quickly talked to the woman who came from the stairs (I'd been waiting for her). I could barely pay attention to what she was telling me because I knew he was watching me.

When I finished talking to the woman, I turned around to find the boy gone. My heart sank. Had I imagined him there? As I walked down the hall he suddenly popped out from a side hallway. Again a huge smile came over me. He smiled back & said "Howdy stranger!" as I pulled him in for a hug. Turns out he was dropping something off for one of the professors. We quickly caught up as he walked me to my elevator & then said our good-byes. It was short & sweet but damn, it sure made my day.

I don't think I've stopped smiling since. :)

And ya know what made it even better? I looked SO cute. I am SO glad I chose this outfit today.

Panic attack

2006-03-13T14:51:00.000-06:00

I had a major panic attack today after my dentist appointment. The appointment itself did NOT go well at all. I broke my upper left wisdom tooth a while ago & it's been causing me awful pain for the past few weeks. I figured he'd tell me to have it taken out, which he did. But he also said I really need to have the other 3 taken out as well. I also have a few broken fillings & a few new cavities that also need to be fixed. Originally he was going to pull the broken tooth out today but he thought it would be better if he did all 4 at the same time so all he did today was the cleaning. He lectured me about flossing (big surprise) & when I asked him how I was supposed to floss my bottom teeth (they have a wire retainer permanently glued to them on the back) he gave me a not-so-gentle example. He JAMMED the floss between my bottom teeth & didn't stop, despite my whincing & cries of "OUCH!" Then he decided to do floss the rest of my teeth. I figured when he got to the tooth that has a HUUUUGE fucking hole in it... the one I told him was causing me excruciating pain... that he would take it easy & be gentle. But was he?

HELL NO!!!

He JAMMED that fucking floss in there as hard as he could & I SCREEEEEAAAAAMMED. Oh. my. FUCK! did that ever hurt!!! It happened over 3 hours ago & I am STILL in pain. I scared the shit out of him when I screamed, too. I thought his eyes were going to pop out of his head. I was practically hyperventilating when he finished. He left the room & the receptionist came in to help me up & handed me my purse. I wanted to cry I was in so much pain.

As the receptionist went over all the things I needed done & the costs for it all, I set my appointment for the extractions & I asked her how it would be done (if I'd be asleep for the proceedure). She informed me that I would be awake, that I would be given a local anesthetic & he would just pull the teeth right out. This is when I REALLY started to panic. I could feel my heart racing & the tears started to well up. I asked her if there was any way I could be put to sleep for it, & she said that it wasn't going to be possible, that it wasn't necessary. I started to breathe heavily & next thing I knew I was crying. She was very nice & said it was going to be ok. I left the office, got in my car & had a full blown panic attack. My whole body was shaking, I was hyperventilating & bawling my eyes out. I couldn't stop the panic, so I pulled out my phone & started text messaging a friend. It helped me breathe a little easier & within a few minutes, I felt calm enough to drive to the pharmacy to fill my prescription for Vicodin. But I still panic & cry every time I think about what I have to go through in a few weeks.

It's been suggested that I get someone to take me to my appointment so I can take a Vicodin beforehand to calm me down a bit. I think that's a great idea. I've already called my mom to see if she can do it & she said she can. I'm going to see if someone more local can take me, but in case I can't find anyone, it's nice to know my mom is there. :)

Fuck. I really don't want to go through this.

Bad mother

2006-03-13T07:32:00.000-06:00

I should never have been allowed to keep a dog, especially since I can't afford to pay for proper medical care. FUCK!

Moe fell yesterday. He was trying to climb up on my bed to wake me up. As soon as I rolled over to tell him to get off, he slipped & fell. It looked like he twisted his bad leg a bit & of course, when he got up, he couldn't walk on it at all. My heart sank. I felt HORRIBLE. The day before I'd taken him for a 15 minute walk, which really tired him out, then I gave him a bath, which really excites him, especially the end when I toweled him off. I think it was all too much for him.

We took it easy all day yesterday & I gave him some Tylenol for any pain &/or swelling he may have. By the evening he was getting around a lot better. He was putting a little weight on the leg & when we went outside for potty, he was almost as good as he was the day before. Then this morning he looked all stiff & sore. When we went outside for potty, we were barely to the street when his leg completely gave out from underneath him. He struggled to get around on 3 legs, more than he ever has. He was out of breath very quickly & had a really hard time balancing himself while he went potty. His "good" leg was shaking so hard. I'm terrified that it's about to give out from all the over-use. I also think his back is bothering him from walking so differently over the past 2 months. Whenever I try to give him a massage, he sort of "whinces" when I get to his lower back area. He doesn't cry or anything, but he lifts his head up & lets out a sort of really soft moan.

I don't know what to do. His insurance has pretty much paid out all it can with this injury & I can't afford to pay for another surgery on my own. I'm terrified that he's just going to get worse & worse & that he'll get paralyzed or something & I'll have to end up putting him down. I'm trying to not let those thoughts over-take me. I'm trying to be positive, but it's so hard when I look at those sad brown eyes & see how much he just wants to be back to normal. It's killing me inside. This morning I sat with him on the floor & I cried as I apologized to him for not being able to fix him. He put a paw on my lap & licked away my tears. He loves me anyway.

Close, but no cigar

2006-03-10T19:41:00.000-06:00

I was temporarily excited the other day when I received an email from a friend regarding a job opening in her department. I am most definitely qualified (it's exactly what I'm doing now, just for a different institution) & the job would likely pay a lot more than what I'm making now. I'd also be able to transfer over all my vacation hours because it's a state job. I was all set to apply.

Then I found out about my would-be boss. When my friend described her, it sounded as thought she was talking about my current boss. Talk about a big disappointment!

I thought about it for a little while & figured maybe it would be worth the move for the extra money, so I asked my friend some questions about the overall work environment & the people she works with (do they all get along... are the other people cool... do they hang out together outside work... etc. etc. etc.). She told me "if you need to ask those questions, then this isn't the place for you". Apparently they pretty much only have contact w/ each other if it's work related, they don't talk to each other otherwise, & they don't socialize at all. That right there was the deciding point. The one thing that makes my current job tolerable is the people I work with. The majority of them are VERY cool & we get along really well. We go to lunch together, we go out on the weekends, we talk on the phone, etc.

Two co-workers in particular I am very close to. I went to the funeral of the mother of one of them on Tuesday because she is such a good friend & I knew she needed me. The other is the friend who is planning my birthday party (she's also the same person who bought me this necklace). We've been there for each other in so many different ways & I am very thankful that I have them in my life. If I took this other job & I didn't have the type of support system I have now at my current job, I would be more miserable than ever. To me it's just not worth the extra money.

Curiouser & curiouser

2006-03-10T07:15:00.000-06:00

My 35th birthday is coming up & a good friend of mine is throwing me a party to celebrate. However, she refuses to tell me ANYTHING about what she's planning. All she asked me for was a list of people I'd like to spend my day with, so I sent her the emails of about 7 people. A few days later, she came to me with a worried look on her face. She told me that the guest list had grown (apparently a friend forwarded the email to others) & she was worried I'd be upset. I told her that it was fine & she was quite relieved, but she still refused to tell me any details. Last night she called me to ask if I would want my parents there. I felt kinda guilty when I said that I would rather they weren't, but I want to be able to relax & be 100% myself & go crazy if I want to, & as much as I love my parents, I wouldn't be able to do that with them there. So I told my friend to not invite them & that was it. No further info on the party.

I'm SO curious!! But I also want to be surprised. I can't remember the last time I had a REAL birthday party. It was probably when I was a kid. I'm really looking forward to this birthday. I just hope people actually show up!

Shoot me. Please.

2006-03-08T19:56:00.000-06:00

I am in absolute agony. My upper left wisdom tooth is broken (more than 1/2 the tooth is gone) & I think the nerve is exposed or something like that cuz my entire mouth is THROBBING! I seriously want to cry, that's how much pain I'm in. I am eating Ibuprofin like it's candy & have gone through almost an entire tube of Maximum Strength Orajel & the pain is still there. The dentist can't see me until Monday. I think I may go crazy from the pain before then.

Help me!!!!

SHOOT ME!!!!

MAKE THE PAIN GO AWAY!!!!

I don't care. No... really. I swear.

2006-03-05T22:08:00.000-06:00

I was talking with a good friend the other day & we were discussing what it is that makes us care what others think. Sure, we will say "I don't care what anyone else thinks. I am who I am & that is fabulous & if anyone disagrees, then that is their problem & it will not matter to me" but ya know what? I think deep down we really do care. At least a little bit.

Point in case:

Friday I was feeling very ugly. It took me forever to decide what to wear because everything I put on I hated. Despite the fact that I know I've lost 10 lbs recently, I was feeling fatter than ever (& still do) & really hated what I was seeing in the mirror. I finally decided on jeans, yellow t-shirt over a white t-shirt, & flip flops but left the house still unsatisfied. On top of that, I have a broken tooth that had me in misery (the dentist can't see me until the 13th!) & my head was throbbing. The last place in the world I wanted to be was at work. I felt like shit & I felt I looked like shit.

A few hours into the work day, I went to a male co-worker's office to drop off some papers. When he saw me, he looked me up & down, smiled, & told me that I looked really great. In the 2+ years I've worked there, he's never said anything like that to me & it totally made my day.

I have had several girl friends tell me before that I look great or I am pretty or sexy or whatever, but hearing a compliment from this man, somehow his opinion was more "valid" in my mind. And this wasn't a man that I'm attracted to. He's just an older, married man, with whom I am friends. So why did his opinion mean more to me?

A similar thing happened over Christmas. My father told me how great he thought I looked & hearing that made me SO happy. Yet my mother can tell me over & over again & I just think "yeah, yeah. thanks mom."

I honestly don't really give a shit what strangers think, but I find myself wondering about people I know. Particularly the people I am not necessarily close friends with, but people who are friends with my close friends, or people with whom I once had a close relationship, but for whatever reasons I no longer really see. I wonder why we aren't really friends any more? Why aren't we closer. Why don't we talk more? Did he/she ever really like me? If so, what changed? Am I really that boring? Am I not funny enough? Am I not smart enough? Am I too mean? Am I too nice? Am I not cool enough?

Don't even get me started about the boy.

In talking with my friend, I found that she has very similar issues.

So why do we care? Does it go back to things that happened in our childhood (I can think of a few things that would fit into that category) or is it based on our experiences from our early adulthood (again, I can think of a few things)? Is it just us or does everyone feel this way at some point in time?

And most important... will I ever stop caring?

Pretty in Pink

2006-03-02T21:28:00.000-06:00

I have a new phone.

It's pink.

It's SO pretty.

And I love it.

I've also spent a good portion of my evening on the Cingular website listening to ringtones. I swear, if the boy & I ever get together... or if I get ANY boyfriend... this will be his personal ringtone.

(I really hope that link worked.)

Apologies

2006-02-26T19:51:00.000-06:00

I'm sorry I haven't posted anything of any real significance lately. I'm just tired of typing the same shit all the time & I know it gets boring seeing me complain about my love life & work & whatever. So instead of blogging here, I've devoted most of my time to my training blog. I've been really trying to focus on training for this next marathon & my fundraising. It's helped keep my mind off other things, even if only for a little bit.

And now I'm off to meet Evan & Lori at the Laff Stop. We're going to see Joe Rogan. Should be good times.

Nighty night!

Food for thought

2006-02-20T01:08:00.000-06:00

Bernadette has been on a cooking frenzy lately so I've decided to post my favorite pasta recipe. This is the dish that I always request whenever my mom asks me what I'd like special for her to make for me. It's SUPER yummy. This is the full recipe. A 1/2 recipe is good for at least 2-3 people.

Also, this dish tastes better once it's cooled off a bit (IMO). If you eat it right out of the oven when it's piping hot, you don't get the full effect of all the flavors so let it cool for a minute or 2 once you've put a serving on your plate. :)

Spicey Penne Pasta

3 Tbsp olive oil
1-1/2 c. chopped onion
1 tsp. minced garlic
3 ea. 28 oz. cans of Italian plum tomatoes - drained

2 tsp. dried basil
1-1/2 tsp. dry crushed red pepper
2 cups canned low salt chicken broth
1 lb. penne pasta
2-1/2 c. packed grated Havarti cheese
1/3 cup sliced calamata olives

1/3 c. parmesan cheese
1/4 c. finely chopped fresh basil

* Heat olive oil in large dutch oven over med/hi heat.
* Add onion & garlic & sautee until onion is translucent (approx. 5 mins.)
* Mix in tomatoes, dried basil & red pepper
* Bring to a boil & break up the tomatoes
* Add broth & bring to boil again
* Reduce heat to med/low & simmer until it reduces down/thickens (this can take a while... at least 30 minutes I think)

* Preheat oven to 375 degrees
* Cook pasta, drain & return to pot.
* Pour sauce over pasta & toss
* Mix in Havarti cheese
* Transfer to baking dish (you can use a 9x13 pan, but I use a big dutch oven style baking dish)
* Sprinkle oives & parmesan cheese on top
* Bake approx 30 mins.
* Top with fresh basil after baking then serve.

ENJOY! :)

2006-02-15T15:15:00.000-06:00

My friend is back in the hospital. Looks like she has a really bad infection, only they can't find the source. The boy & I are going to see her tonight after work. I'm really worried about her. :(

**UPDATE**

2/17 - they found out what was causing the infection & have taken the necessary actions to stop it. She's home now & is hopefully following her doctor's orders. She's still not completely out of the woods, but she's getting close. :)

Anti-Valentine

2006-02-14T07:06:00.000-06:00

I'm boycotting Valentine's Day so...

HAPPY TUESDAY!!! :)

Achoo!!

2006-02-06T20:52:00.000-06:00

Ugh. I can't breathe thru my nose at. all.

Blech.

Fucking cold.

4 things

2006-02-06T09:50:00.000-06:00

I'm sick so it's blog-lite today. I was tagged by Anna so here we go!

4 Jobs I've had in my life:

pizza maker at the Kroger deli
child care provider
office assistant at my dorm at Texas Tech
bridal consultant

4 movies I could watch over & over again:

Monty Python & the Holy Grail
Young Frankenstein
Field of Dreams
Say Anything

4 places I have lived:

Cleveland, OH
Pittsburgh, PA
Scotch Plains, NJ
Lubbock, TX

4 TV shows I love to watch:

Lost
24
Battlestar Gallactica
Grey's Anatomy

4 places I have been on vacation:

New York City
San Francisco, CA
Hilton Head, SC
The Gorge

4 websites I visit daily:

nancies.org
Houstonist
yahoo
blogs a-plenty

4 of my favorite foods:

Cocoa Pebbles
my mom's spicey penne pasta casserole
the cheese/veggie rolls from Thai Spice
cheesecake (preferrably turtle or cookies & cream)

4 places I'd rather be right now:

in his arms
in his arms
in his arms
anywhere but here

4 albums I can't live without:

The Beatles - The White Album
Pink Floyd - Dark Side of the Moon
Ella Fitzgerald & Louis Armstrong - Ella & Louie
The Gorge 2002

4 people I tag to do this survey: anyone who wants to.

Reason # 849 why it's great to have a dog...

2006-02-01T21:40:00.000-06:00

No matter how shitty your day may have been, you can always count on him to make you laugh.

*giggles*

This might very well be my most favorite picture of Moe ever.

Updates

2006-01-29T11:58:00.000-06:00

Moe is doing better. He's walking around again on the leg & doesn't seem to be in too much pain. I think he just twisted the knee a bit. I will continue to keep an eye on him & hopefully he will continue to progress. *crosses fingers*

I've been a bum again this weekend & I could seriously get used to this. However, that won't happen because the new season of Team in Training starts next weekend so all my Saturday mornings will once again be dedicated to training. I'm mentoring again this season & have also signed up to do the San Diego Rock & Roll Marathon. Next Saturday is the big kick-off party where I'll meet my next round of mentees, our honored patient & get the training schedule for the season. I need to get moving fast on fundraising because this is the shortest season of the year & San Diego is the 1st race (Alaska is 2 weeks later), which means the fundraising deadline will come up FAST! Thankfully I won't have to raise as much money this year as I did for Alaska but it's still a decent chunk of change (my minimum should be about $3100 vs. the $5200 minimum for last year). I need to get started on my fundraising ASAP. If anyone has any good ideas, please let me know! I'm not above using my friends! :)

I saw the boy on Friday. We went out to lunch with 4 other friends to a super yummy Chinese restaurant. Our friend paid for & arranged the whole meal for all of us (which was good because the menu was in Chinese) & picked out SEVERAL dishes for us to gorge ourselves on. It was mostly all stuff I'd never had before & was SO good! I sat next to the boy & I must admit that it was VERY hard. We were acting like nothing had ever happened between us. It was hard to look at him & not touch him. I wanted to just reach over & stroke his face, or put my hand on his knee, or just hold his hand, but I couldn't.

I knew I was in trouble when I 1st saw him before we even left for the restaurant. He was waiting in his car at my office as I pulled up behind him in my friend's car. My heart skipped a beat when he got out of his car & walked over to see just what the hell I was doing. I can't tell you how much this new job has changed him. When you look at him, there is this sparkle back in eyes, he walks more confident, & looks like a HUGE weight has been lifted from his shoulders. It's amazing to see the difference. (Even his mother noticed!) He's also shaving every day, wears his contacts, & dresses nicer with this new job, which of course make me get even more tingly when I see him. GOD I just want to grab him & kiss him!!!

*sigh*

Alas, I really don't think it will ever happen between us. At least not now. He's going through so many changes & needs to learn to be his own person. He's applying to graduate schools, all of them out of state. As he put it, he needs to get out of Houston... he needs the change. And I agree. If he gets accepted into grad school, he'll leave in the fall. Last year I was freaking out at the prospect of him moving to DC, but now I think it's what's best for him. I'm so proud of him for taking such huge steps & think he will be extremely successful. I only wish I could be by his side through it all, but I know he needs to do this alone.

I've learned some other things about him recently but I can't go into it here. All I can say is that I understand a LOT more about his actions in the past. It doesn't make things any easier, in fact, it makes things even harder, but it does help knowing what I know. It would be so much easier if I could just turn off my feelings, but I can't.

I fear I'll never be able to get over him.

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! FUCK!!!!

2006-01-26T20:58:00.000-06:00

OMG OMG OMG OMG!!! I am seriously freaking out right now. Moe was on his little bed on the floor rolling around when he let out a cry. When he stood up he was holding his leg up to his side & kept whimpering. I am freaking out. I think he messed up his leg again. He won't walk on it at all. He's not crying any more, but he still looks like he's in pain & is doing whatever he can to NOT stand up. I am FREAKING OUT!! I don't know what I'm going to do if he messed up his leg again. I haven't even been reimbursed for the 1st surgery & I've already hit the maximum pay-out for that sort of injury. He's not covered again for this until May. I had to borrow the money for the 1st surgery from my dad, who just got fired from his job & there's no way I can afford any more out of my own pocket. What the fuck am I going to do????? I knew I shouldn't have said anything to anyone about how good he was doing. I jinxed things. FUCK!!!

Please oh PLEEEEAAAAASSSSEEEEEE let it just be a minor strain & nothing that won't heal on its own. PLLLLEEEEEEEEAAAAAAASSSSSSSEEEEEE!!!!!!

Oh what a difference 2 weeks make...

2006-01-25T06:53:00.000-06:00

Here's Moe's leg the day after surgery & now, 2 weeks later:

He's doing SO much better. Whenever we go outside for our short walks, he walks on the leg & when he does, he barely limps. The only time he switches back to 3 legs is when he wants to go faster. He also has too much energy for his own good. It's getting harder & harder to keep him calm & to stop him from jumping around, especially when he sees all his buddies running around. Can you blame the guy? He hasn't been able to run & play for over a month! Poor doggy. Only 4 more weeks to go before he's allowed to go for longer walks. Hopefully he'll be able to accept that.

LISTEN TO ME!! (It could save your life.)

2006-01-24T18:25:00.000-06:00

Apparently I saved a friend's life yesterday.

She called me early in the morning to let me know that she was going to be late to work. She hadn't been feeling well all weekend & was going to try to get in to see her doctor, whose office didn't open until 8:30. I asked her what was wrong & she told me she'd been having horrible pains in her lower right abdomen. She described everything she was feeling & I told her "ya know, it sounds like maybe your appendix is about to burst".

Neither of us were exactly sure where the appendix was located in the body, so while I had her on the phone, I looked it up on the internet. I found a website that gave all they symptoms of appendicitis & as I read them off to her, she had every single symptom. I told her that she HAD to go to the ER immediately. She wasn't sure if she should, but I insisted & she finally agreed. I gave her orders to call me as soon as she saw the doctor to let me know what happened.

I got to work at 8:00 & not much later I received a call from D's friend saying that D was having a CT scan of her abdomen. Next phone call was to tell me that she was going to have surgery to remove the appendix.

I was right!

I didn't think it was that big of a deal. People get their appendix taken out every day. But then I found out the extent of the damage.

When they went in to remove the appendix, they found her pelvic region filled with "infectious fluid" (ie: puss) & when they went to grab the appendix to remove it, it exploded like a rotten tomato, causing more "infectious fluid" to fill her body cavity. They said the appendix likely had been slowly rupturing, causing the "infectious fluid" to leak into her body cavity over the past few days. The doctor told her if she hadn't come in to the ER when she did, she likely would have died. Normally after this sort of operation (it was done laparoscopically) they would let the patient go home the same day, but because D's infection was so bad, they are keeping her for at least 2 days, just to make sure the infection subsides & there are no complications.

I went to the hospital this morning to see her & she looked so tiny & weak. It was hard for her to get around, but one thing that hadn't changed was her sense of humor & her determination. She already has plans to kick my ass for a joke I made about her during my visit.

I'm glad she listened to me. :)

Nothing

2006-01-22T22:42:00.000-06:00

I need a whole week of exactly what I did this weekend...

nothing.

I never left my apartment except to take Moe out to go potty. I never got out of my pajamas, except for when I took a shower. And I never left my couch except for when I'd get up to get a drink/snack/herbal refreshment or to go to bed.

I watched a lot of tv. I listened to a lot of music. I took a lot of naps. I even read part of my book.

I want to stay this way forever.

Yesterday it was the Foo Fighters...

2006-01-19T23:39:00.000-06:00

... today it's Nine Inch Nails.

Some days angry grunge rock is exactly what a girl needs.

Best of You

2006-01-18T23:18:00.000-06:00

Oh yeah... I can't seem to get enough of the Foo Fighters these days.

I've got another confession to make
I'm your fool
Everyone's got their chains to break
Holdin' you

Were you born to resist or be abused?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

Are you gone and onto someone new?
I needed somewhere to hang my head
Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn't have
But had no use
I was too weak to give in
Too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again
But I break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can't choose
I swear I'll never give in
I refuse

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
You trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Oh...

Oh...Oh...Oh...Oh...

Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
The life, the love
You die to heal
The hope that starts
The broken hearts
You trust, you must
Confess

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

I've got another confession my friend
I'm no fool
I'm getting tired of starting again
Somewhere new

Were you born to resist or be abused?
I swear I'll never give in
I refuse

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
You trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

Same shit, different day

2006-01-18T22:09:00.000-06:00

Wow, I didn't realize it had been over a week since I posted anything here. The marathon & everything revolving around it completely took up my time this past week. (all thins pertaining to the marathon can be read here) There also just hasn't been much to write about. It would just be the same depressing shit as always & I'm sick of it. I wish I could turn off my feelings & just get on with my life, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen any time soon. For now I'll just leave it at this:

I'm not a happy person.
I'm pretty much just going through the motions.
99.9% of the time, I feel like I'm drowning.
I don't know when/if anything will ever change.

I could babble on & on about it all, but I'm just so tired. Tired of it all.

So. f'ing. tired.

Happiness is a warm puppy

2006-01-10T22:34:00.000-06:00

even if he is missing 1/4 of his body hair.

The poor baby has slept pretty much since we got home. At one point he got up for a drink & went to go lie back down on his bed, but he couldn't seem to get comfortable. He kept getting up & walking over to me, looking up at me with those big sad brown eyes, looking like he was trying to tell me something. I figured it out pretty quick...

He wanted to snuggle.

Normally he'll climb up on the couch & curl up with me, but obviously he can't do that. So I got up, walked over to his bed, & sat down. He immediatly curled up in my lap, let out a big sigh, & went to sleep.

I cried.

Jeebus, I just love my puppy so damn much. I'm so glad to have him home.

I love my friends

2006-01-10T19:09:00.000-06:00

Isn't that just the cutest thing? I'm such a sap that seeing this actually made me cry.

I love my friends. :)

Chicks dig scars

2006-01-10T16:59:00.000-06:00

My baby is home. He's sad. He's sore. He's sleeping. He's kinda funny looking. (Although, if you look at him from his right side, he looks completely normal.)

The vet said he was already trying to walk on the leg, which is good. They took a graft from his thigh & made a new tendon, which was made extra tight, so it needs to stretch out over time. Him trying to walk on it helps stretch it out. His activity has to be limited for the next 5-6 weeks. After that, I can start him on some light exercise (short walks around the block) & slowly build up to his regular routine. The vet thinks he'll do very well. So HOORAY!!

But for now, it's lots of rest & lots of TLC.

Cheshire Moon Watching Over Me

Moving on

Long time no post

Drinks & Closure

Quickie

Still here

My friends make me giggle

*sigh*

The Departed

Fucking PMS!!

Thumbs Up Charlottesville!

Ok Go

Stupid

In search of...

Absence makes the heart grow fonder

Further proof that men suck

Update from the Cheesecake Factory

Reclaiming creativity

Why don't we have arranged marriages any more?

Good Eeee-ven-ing

Success!!

*YAWN!*

Unexpected Benefit

It's official

Cabin Fever

MRI results:

Photo of the Day

In a nutshell:

Quickies

Food!

Hit & Run

GRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!

More truth in advertising...

Magic!

Somebody stop me

Quick weekend re-cap

Tickled purple

Foose me baby!

Delicate

Confirmation

I was just nowhere near your neighborhood

...

Painted Tuesdays

Pathetic

Saying good-bye

Technical Chat

The Whale's Vagina

The best laid plans...

College Revisited

R.I.P.

I just don't think I'll ever get over you

Score!

Photo of the Day

Long time no post

One of those weeks

A picture says 1000 words?

Aaaaahhhh the 80's

Memories

Ooooo!!!!

So much to do... so little desire to do any of it

I'm too tired to come up with a witty title

In a flash...

Losing wisdom

Long-ass birthday recap...

35 & Fabulous!

Do you know what day it is?

Oh what a difference a 1/2 day makes!

The little things...

Ow

Apologies to Cayce

Ride 'em cowgirl!

Chance Encounter

Panic attack

Bad mother

Close, but no cigar

Curiouser & curiouser

Shoot me. Please.

I don't care. No... really. I swear.

Pretty in Pink

Apologies

sigh

YAWN!